Real Good Relationships Part Three: Respect

According to an article in Cosmopolitan magazine called “How To Make Your Relationship Soar By Destroying His Self-Worth,” the number one way to make a man treat his wife with love and affection is by being disrespectful and rude. A good combination of put downs, jabs at his honor, and subtle hints that he’s pretty much an overall disappointment, mixed with full-on frontal attacks that dig up everything he’s ever done wrong. Screaming is optional but always effective. This is a time-tested, foolproof technique to force your man to be the loving, romantic, faithful partner you always dreamed of.

Either that or it’ll make him wish he lived in a treehouse in the backyard. The Bible says, “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” [Proverbs 21:9] Another verse says, “A wise woman builds her house but a foolish woman tears hers down.”

And people wonder if God has a sense of humor.

Last week we focused on love, this week it’s all about respect.

Ephesians 5:33 is the most concise practical wisdom in the Bible for how to have a good marriage. It says,

“Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Men, you need to love your wives, and women, you need to respect your husbands.

“Well, I’ll start respecting him when he starts acting like he loves me. I don’t feel loved so he ain’t getting no respect. Everyone knows love is supposed to be unconditional!”

How about this—how about unconditional respect? 

When couples come to talk with me about problems in their marriage, I always ask if they love each other. They always say they do. But when I ask her if she respects her husband—she usually gets pretty quiet. Sometimes I know better than to ask her in front of him—afraid of the onslaught of disrespectful things she might say.

Every Christian gets the basic idea of unconditional love—the kind of love God has for us because of Jesus. But unconditional respect? That don’t make no sense. Respect has to be earned. Right?

Sure, in a sinful, worldly, evil, selfish, everyone for themselves, dog eat dog, kill or be killed, demonic way of approaching life—absolutely. A world without grace. In a world without Jesus, respect has to be earned. 

But it’s not the way of the cross. It’s not how things are supposed to work in the kingdom of God.

Christians are supposed to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. When you respect your husband, you’re respecting Christ. Just like the husband is to love his wife the same way Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Every relationship is a three-way relationship—you, the other person, and Jesus.

Does Jesus have your respect? He’s telling you to respect your husband out of respect for Him. That’s an order. Not from me. Not from your husband. From God.

But I get it… You might be crying out for his love and you feel like he’s ignoring you. You might be praying that your husband would show you he loves you—tell you he loves you, show you some tenderness and affection that’s not just him trying to get some action. But he seems more interested in his work, his hobbies, television—anything other than you. He doesn’t seem interested in anything you have to say, interrupts you when you’re talking about your day, how you feel. All the things we talked about last week: you feel used, like a maid, a cook, a whore, a roommate—you don’t feel appreciated. You don’t feel cherished. You don’t feel loved. He makes it hard to show him respect.

So maybe you complain. To him. To your friends. To your mom or your sister—maybe even your daughter. You make emasculating comments about his incompetence—sometimes right in front of him. Openly disrespectful. What’s he supposed to do? Defend himself? Make a scene? He’ll probably take it but he doesn’t like it. He probably just clams up. He thinks, “I’m a man, I can take it.”

He might believe you love him but he’s pretty sure you don’t like him. And that’s a problem.

You might NOT like him. You might have spun-out so many times that you’re used to how cold you treat each other. It’s a cycle: He doesn’t act loving toward you because you don’t treat him with respect so he doesn’t act loving toward you so you both just keep it spinning. Miserable.

And it’s hardly ever what you actually say to each other—it’s usually more about the way it was said. The nasty look. Like you’re filled with disgust. This cycle is not going anywhere good.

You might be thinking women want respect as much as men do. I mean, Aretha sang all about it. R.E.S.P.E.C.T. It’s like a theme song for what women want. Just a little respect. And it’s true, of course, women want respect, too. But would you be surprised to learn a man actually wrote the song? Otis Redding wrote the song and recorded it two years before Aretha sang it. It’s funny that the most carefully articulated song about a man’s deepest need became a theme song for women. Well, I think it’s funny.

Rodney Dangerfield made a career out of telling jokes about getting no respect. He said things like, “I tell ya, I get no respect, not even from my mother. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Even my doctor gives me no respect, he told me I’m going crazy. I told my wife I wanted to get a second opinion. She said, “All right, you’re ugly, too.” Badda-boom!

Women also want respect and men also want to be loved—but it’s not their primary drive. Maybe it’s like food and water, we all need both, but we can live a lot longer without food. Maybe love is like water for women and respect is like water for men.

There was a poll where 400 men were given the choice between either being left alone and unloved in the world, or to feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone they know. 74% of these men said they would rather be unloved than disrespected. Do you think women would have answered the same way? I don’t think so.

Love and respect overlap quite a bit—in some ways they’re almost the same thing—but the nuance of each word is important to understand if we’re going to make our relationships work.

We talked about love last week. Little review: Biblical love isn’t about all the cheesy romantic things our culture thinks it’s about. Biblical love is sacrifice, laying down our life for another person, being patient and kind and gentle to another person for their benefit—giving them joy, making peace, being faithful, showing self-control. That’s what it means to truly love someone.

Respect is a little different. It’s like honor. It’s when you admire someone. Think fondly of them. When you’re impressed by them. Respect is showing appreciation for someone’s abilities or qualities or achievements. For most men, it’s their deepest need.

And when they feel disrespected, it’s their shortest fuse.

You’ve probably told him you love him. When was the last time you told him you respect him? You probably bought him a card for an anniversary or some holiday saying how much you love him. Have you ever given him a card that tells him how much you respect him? You won’t find one at Hallmark.

He probably doesn’t remember your Valentine’s Day card but if you wrote him a note telling him how much you respect him—and listed things you respect about him. He’d treasure that like it was a bag of gold.

Then he’d probably buy you flowers, or take you to your favorite restaurant, or wash the dishes—you might even get a cruise out of it.

I’m not suggesting you try to manipulate your husband with respect—although it would probably work.

But I am suggesting he might be starved for it. Respect is water for the soul thirst of a man. RESPECT It’s going to feel like love to him. It’s going to build him up—make him a better man. If you let him know you appreciate how hard he works, how good he is at his job, how he’s a man of good character—that you’re proud of him. That he’s a great father, a loyal friend—that you like him. That he’s funny, or smart, or strong. Once he gets over the shock—you might even see some tenderness in return.

And guys, if she tries to tell you any of these things and you act like you’re not interested in what she has to say, not interested in what she’s thinking about, or feeling, or dealing with, then you’re not loving her the way Jesus loves the church—the way God told you to. This is what you signed up for. Man up.

Remember Ephesians 5:17 from week one in this series,

“Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise.” This is God’s wisdom for how to have real good relationships. 

Men, if you don’t love your wife the way God told you to love her, you’re a fool—and you’re making it really hard for her to respect you.

Women, if you don’t show your husband respect like God told you to, you’re a fool—and you’re making it really hard for him to love you.

The problem is he doesn’t feel respected. So ladies, When your husband gets mad or sad and shuts you out, and you wonder what the heck is wrong with him and why he’s being such a baby—or depending on his temperament—why he’s throwing a tantrum. It will almost certainly be that he doesn’t feel respected. You’re not listening to him, trying to understand him, giving him the benefit of the doubt—your reminders sound like nagging, your observations sound like attacks—you haven’t encouraged him in his God given vocations, or treated him like a man of honorable character. You’ve been critical. He might believe you love him but he’s wondering if you like him. You need to stop what you’re doing and show him respect in a way that he will understand. 

Don’t wait to give him respect until he starts showing you love and you think he’s acting respectable. You respect him out of respect for the Lord. You show your husband respect because God told you to. Respect him because it’s the way of wisdom. It might be a new concept but you need to show him unconditional respect. Respect that doesn’t have to be earned.

And men, you’re not off the hook, don’t wait to treat her like you love her until she starts showing you respect and acting lovable. Your love needs to be unconditional. 

This is what mutual submission looks like—don’t wait for the other person—you go first.

Well, that was all nice and heavy.

In Lutheran preaching there’s a concept called the proper distinction between law and gospel. It means that when we give a sermon, we have to be clear to distinguish between what God does for us through Jesus, which is the gospel—the part that makes us right with God and saves us. And God’s commands for us, the things He expects us to do—the law.

You never want to confuse law for gospel. You are saved by grace through faith, not by keeping commandments, not by being good, not by works. You break all His commandments all the time. That’s what sin is, and your sins are forgiven because of Jesus. God is not holding your lack of love or lack of respect against you—at least not in the eternal sense. Your sins are not going to drag you to hell. Your failure to keep God’s commandments is why Jesus had to die for you.

Some of you are taking all this stuff about love and respect to heart. Feeling it. Don’t be discouraged. God’s Word does stuff. It stirs up all that nasty at the bottom of the pot. Shows you things you need to deal with. Repent of. Work on. That’s good. No one said you had to make yourself perfect—your job is to confess your sin and then Jesus is faithful to forgive you. So, you’re forgiven. 

I’m forgiven Now let’s do something with that forgiveness. Let’s get to work—but instead of working hard, let’s work smart.

There’s another word for God’s commandments. Wisdom. Wisdom is listening to what God tells you to do and then doing it.

Wisdom = God’s Commandments Wisdom won’t make you right with God but it will help keep things from going wrong with other people. And that’s not nothing. Relationships are the most important thing in the world. Our relationship with God, our relationships with other people. Wisdom will help you not drag hell into your life now.

So if you want things to go well for you, you might want to pay attention to the wisdom of God—since He’s the author of life. He knows how it works and how it doesn’t.

The Bible describes three kinds of people. The wise, the fools, and the wicked.

Ephesians 5:17 says, “

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise,”

not as fools but as wise, not like the wicked but as the wise.

A wise person is someone who can hear what God tells them and pays attention. They will change what they’re doing, change the direction they were going, turn around, and start walking in the direction God pointed them. A wise person can learn simply by listening. Like what we’re doing right now—a wise person listens carefully to the sermon, takes note of what needs to change, and starts making changes.

Guess what a fool does. A fool doesn’t listen. They’re just waiting for the sermon to be over so they can get back to being a fool. They don’t learn by listening—the only way to get a fool's attention is with consequences. “A whip for the horse, a bridle for the donkey, and a rod for the back of fools” is how Proverbs puts it. We’re all a little bit fool, that’s why God has to discipline us, He doesn’t give up on us because He’s our heavenly Father and He loves us. But the more we listen and the more we walk in His wisdom, the less painful it’s going to be for us.

And the wicked? They’re the unredeemable. They don’t respond to anything—not law, not gospel. They’re the ones at the end of time who have to be put someplace where they can’t do any more harm. They spent their life wanting to live without God and He gives them exactly what they asked for.

This message is for those of us who want to be wise. God will get the attention of the fools some other way.

If you want to be a wise husband, love your wife. Pursue her. Take her on dates. Tell her you love her. If you know what makes her feel loved, then do those things. If you don’t—figure it out. Be patient with her, listen to her, speak to her with kindness. Don’t crush her with cruel words. Don’t speak to her in anger—would you let some other man speak to your wife that way? Your job is to protect her—even from you.

If you want to be a wise wife, respect your husband. Tell him what you appreciate about him, what you like about him. Talk to him in a respectful manner, a respectful tone of voice. Don’t treat him with contempt. Never criticize him, or tear him down, especially in front of other people. Don’t say anything to him that you wouldn’t want him to absolutely believe about himself. Talk about the things you respect about him in front of other people—in front of him.

With no conditions. They don’t have to earn it. Unconditional love. Unconditional respect. 

And when you have to confront each other about something they did wrong, when problems come up—there’s going to be problems, don’t be surprised by that—confront each other with love and respect. You don’t have to endorse whatever they did wrong to have some self-control and speak to each other in a respectful and loving manner.

Husbands love your wives. Wives respect your husbands.

At the very least, don’t be unloving or disrespectful.

The only way that’s going to be possible is with God’s help. Ask Him for it.

On the way home today, or later when you talk about these things—I do hope you get around to talking about this stuff—don’t be fools. It will be wise to start with some tenderness, say something like, “I’m sorry for all the times I ever made you feel unloved.” “I’m sorry for all the times I treated you with a lack of respect.” And then he says, “I love you,” and she says, “I respect you.”

That’s a good start.

Or you could take advice from Cosmopolitan magazine. He could say something like, “I told you so! Respect me woman!” And she could spin out and attack his lack of character. Then you could both go home and pout in different rooms until bedtime. 

I mentioned last week that Kim and I met in 7th grade, started dating in high school and got married in college. I also said she was a cheerleader—she has continued to be a cheerleader, an encourager, and my biggest supporter since we were sixteen years old. I have never doubted that she loves me, but even more important, I’ve never doubted that she likes me. Adores me. Wants to be with me. Supports me in whatever crazy thing I think God wants us to do. She believes in me more than I believe in myself. I don’t pretend to understand everything God meant when He said, “wives respect your husbands” but I have been on the receiving end of what that can look like for over 43 years. If I could bottle it or put it in a pill, I’d be a wealthy man. I’m sure I haven’t always been the most loving husband—but God gave me a glimpse of heaven when He gave me such a respectful wife. 

I didn’t say that to brag about our marriage. Although the Bible does say in Proverbs 31 that the husband of a good wife will honor her and praise her in the gates—something you guys should try now and then.

I said those things about Kim because I thought you might want to hear a testimony from a husband who has been treated with unconditional respect—how these ideas aren’t just nice-sounding empty words but they really are the time-tested wisdom God built into the fabric of reality. This is how life works—how good relationships work.

So, I’m only talking to the wise. The fools will painfully find out what we were talking about later. And the wicked, well, they’ll never learn anyway. AMEN