Real Good Relationships Part Two: Love
7th grade. Pawnee, Illinois. My family had just moved to a new small town. It was the first day of school. I was sitting in the back row when the cutest little 7th grader walked in the classroom with her shiny metallic smile and looked at me. Was it love at first sight? I would later find out she was a cheerleader with serious gymnastic abilities—and that she was so adorably sweet and kind and playful. I wouldn’t date her until highschool, and we wouldn’t get married until college. But I definitely noticed her the first time I saw her. Was it love at first sight?
Well, what is love at first sight?
It’s what all the love songs are about:
I've got to have you.
I want you to want me.
You Had me at hello.
From the moment I met you I knew your love would be everything I ever wanted.
Call me maybe.
If life is a fairy tale, that moment when we see someone and “fall in love”—got to have them. Take them. “They will be mine!” It’s a moment of desire and obsession. If life is a fairy tale, that moment is more dragon than knight in shining armor.
The dragon sees the lovely princess and just has to have her. Take her. Imprison her. It’s not love, it’s the lust of the dragon.
The knight is supposed to be the one who rescues her. Protects her from greedy dragons.
The first thing we have to understand, if we’re ever going to understand anything about what Jesus wants for us in this world, is that we don’t understand what love is. As people who have grown up in the modern and postmodern world, we have been lied to about love.
We think love is how we feel about someone or something. Attraction. Desire. That’s why we can love ice cream, love our new gadget, love a movie or song, and think we fall in love when we meet someone cute, sexy, charming, or funny.
We think love is a feeling. An emotion. A response.
We also think love is for us. How it makes us feel.
We think about what we want in a relationship. Someone who’s hot, intelligent, funny, makes money—someone who would be a good mother, father or friend.
That’s fine but we don’t usually think about the kind of person we need to be in order to properly love someone else—love them the way God has told us to love them—because like I said, we don’t really know what love is.
It’s always been a confusion in the world but our culture has made it so much worse. We think “love” means “follow your heart.” Which is code for your desires. Which is code for lust and greed.
Follow your heart. That’s really bad advice. The Bible says “the heart is deceitfully wicked above all things.” Don’t follow it. “Follow your heart” means “be selfish.”
It’s the exact opposite of love.
Back to the fairy tale. The handsome prince looks upon the beautiful maiden—and he wants her. That’s not love. That’s a cheesy setup for a porn video. The handsome prince needs to decide whether he’s going to be an honorable man or a greedy dragon. He’s attracted to her but is he going to love her, Or is he going to use her, play with her like a sex toy, act like an impetuous child with no self control?
And it’s not just prince charmings who have this problem. There is no shortage of princesses with daddy issues using their sexual power over manboys for their selfish games, too. This is what the world calls romance. Love. But it’s not love. It’s selfish. It’s the opposite of Biblical love.
If you understand what love really is, then you understand your relationships are not about you. Love is not about you. Your friendships are not about you. Your marriage—not about you.
Last week we talked about mutual submission. Submitting to God by submitting to other people. It’s the opposite of selfishness. Mutual submission is another way of saying “love one another.”
Love is something you do for other people.
For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son so that whoever would believe in Him would receive eternal life. That’s a one-way deal. God loved. God gave. We receive it and just stand here lovestruck. Thankful.
That’s the Gospel. What God has done for us through Jesus that we could never have done for ourselves. That’s God showing us what love is. Relationships and the Gospel explain each other. They work hand in hand. When you love someone the way God told you to love them it’s a reenactment of the Gospel.
Jesus said, “There’s no greater love than someone who lays down their life for a friend.” And then He showed us that He wasn’t writing a poem—it’s not just a metaphor. He actually laid down His life for us because He loves us.
For a friend. See what I mean about us not understanding what love really is? Most people think love is reserved for romance or maybe how you feel about your children. Jesus applied His highest standard of love to His friends.
Love your friends. Your friendships are not about you.
Love is always something we do for other people.
I have three main Bible verses today—they should all be familiar to you. I already covered the first one. John 15:13, “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” Love is laying down your life for other people.
Here’s the next one, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, you’ve heard it a million times. You can’t learn anything you think you already know, so try to pretend like this is the first time you’ve ever heard it and let it blow your mind: This is what love is… God’s love for us, our love for Him, and our love for each other… This is what love is…
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
Notice what it didn’t say, “Love is a romantic feeling, love is never having to say your sorry, love is a serious mental disease from which there is no cure.” Didn’t say any of that.
Love is a freakin’ high standard. Anyone here think “patient, kind and all the rest of that” is a good description of you? How you treat your friends? Your co-workers? Your kids when no one’s looking? Your husband or wife? How you love God? I know it’s not a particularly good description of me.
Love is the end goal of every one of God’s commandments. It’s the point of everything He ever told us to do. It’s what He wants from us. Love is God’s will for your life.
Truth is, none of us are very good at it. It doesn’t come naturally to us. That’s why we all redefine love as something selfish—that’s something we understand. We all have the heart of a dragon.
But the true Prince of heaven came to save you. To love you. To lay down His life for you. Jesus, the Son of the King of the Universe, came to save you. Release you from the grip the dragon has on you and set you free to be the person you were created to be. To love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. To love your neighbor as yourself. And then He gives you the power of His Spirit to help you do it.
The third Bible verse to help us understand what love is—Galatians 5:22 - 23. Talks about the fruit of the Spirit. What God is growing in you. It’s what you’re going to do now that the Holy Spirit lives in you—when the Spirit leads you. The fruit of the Spirit is what obedience to God’s will looks like. And what is God’s will? Remember?
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, (and what is love going to look like in you? It looks like) joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.”
That’s what God’s love is going to look like in you.
Think of yourself as a tree or a vine—when you grow fruit, who is the fruit for? It’s not for you. It’s for others. This fruit of the Spirit is how you’re going to love people. And it’s not your fruit—These aren’t things that grow naturally in you or from you. These are things God promises to grow from you supernaturally—for others. Maybe you’ve never thought about it that way.
Joy In all your relationships God wants you to love people by bringing them joy. Someone says, “How you doing?” Don’t be an energy vampire, don’t get in the habit of saying “tired!” How you doing? “Tired.” Everyone’s tired. “Busy.” Everyone’s busy. No one wants to hear it. The older you get, the more tired and busy you’re going to be. Try to give a little joy instead of sucking the life out of people. Surprise them with some joy.
Peace God wants you to love people by creating peace. There’s enough conflict already. Be a peacemaker. If it’s possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. You don’t have to argue about every little thing. You don't have to counter everyone’s opinion with yours. You don’t have to correct every little detail in their story. Live in peace with the people you love.
Patience God wants you to show people you love them by being patient. Patience. I don’t know, man. I don’t know if that fruit grows on my tree. I don’t think that app is compatible with my OS. It doesn’t run natively, that’s for sure.
I’m not naturally patient with people. I’m too easily annoyed. People make a lot of irritating noises—crinkle wrappers, click pens, suck their teeth, hypersonic esses, bite their fork, crack their knuckles, nervous laughter—I could go on and on because I’m a terrible human being. I’m not naturally patient. I interrupt people when they’re talking. I get angry when I don’t like what they’re saying or when I think they’re attacking me, or misunderstanding me, or disrespecting me, or ignoring me, or taking too long to get to the point.
I’m sure I’m the only person who has these issues. Ha
Being patient with people is the same thing as loving them. God says it’s one of the top ways we need to show people love. It’s on both lists—first place on the Corinthians list.
Patience looks different in different relationships but it always gets to the heart of not being selfish. It might even mean you have to not get irritated or angry when someone’s not being patient with you. Imagine that. Everyone’s a work in progress—be patient with each other’s faults. Love covers a multitude of sins.
Goodness What about goodness? Faithfulness. How does that work? Love is supposed to look like goodness. Are you kidding me? Have you ever seen a movie where boy meets girl, they fall in love, and then try to be good? Try to be faithful? Encourage each other’s goodness by protecting each other from selfish instant gratification? Would anyone even be interested in watching that movie? Usually, boy meets girl and the next thing you know goodness and self-control are thrown across the room along with her panties.
That’s not love. That’s the dragon heart again. The heart wants what the heart wants. And your heart is not your friend. It doesn’t want things that are good for you.
All this fruit of the Spirit, the love of God growing in us, and then us being patient and kind to people—especially when they’re not being kind to us—that’s not what we want to do. Love doesn’t just happen. It has to be deliberate—on purpose.
Even in marriage.
Last week we read from Ephesians chapter five about wives and husbands submitting to each other out of reverence for Christ. About walking in God’s wisdom. Verse 28 is the most concise and best wisdom for a happy marriage. Ephesians chapter 5, verse 28…
…Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Love and respect. That’s the secret to a good marriage. We’ll talk about respect next week but we’re focusing on love today—I had to spend some time making sure we all understand what love actually is according to God. So, keeping all those things in mind…
What I’m about to say applies to everyone and every relationship in our lives but it specifically and with laser-targeted sights is talking to husbands. Listen up, men.
When your wife gets moody or angry or distant, and you wonder what you did wrong and how you can fix it. It will almost certainly be that the problem is she doesn’t feel loved. You're not pursuing her, you're not showing her kindness, gentleness, tenderness—you probably haven’t been romantic and sweet. You’re acting more like a roommate than a husband. You’re treating her more like your personal maid than your wife. If she’s nagging you and reminding you of all the things she asked you to do—treating you like a child. If you feel disrespected. Emasculated. It’s probably because you’re treating her more like she’s your mother than your wife—acting like a child. If you come home, plop in front of the TV, and then maybe when you go to bed you think it’s time for a little lovin’. And when she’s not into it at all, it’s probably because you’ve been acting like a little boy all night—a ManBoy. That is not an aphrodisiac to your wife—at least I hope it’s not. You need to stop acting like a selfish child and the solution is show her you love her in a way that she will understand. Be the man she married. Tell her you love her in a way she can hear you and believe you. Husbands need to love their wives.
People come to me all the time hoping I’ll be able to talk some sense into their spouse. Hoping I’ll be able to fix the other one—make them a better husband or wife.
That’s not how love works. Not Biblical love.
Love doesn’t say, “they need to change so they will be better for me.” Love says, “I’m going to work on me so I will be better for them.”
The next part isn’t just for married people, this is for everyone. Anyone who lives with other people.
Maybe someone leaves things around the house and it drives you crazy. Dirty dishes, socks, baby bottles in the sink, coffee cups on the counter, laundry, trash—whatever it is—someone doesn't do something the way you would like it to be done.
Here’s a little life-hack: Say to yourself, “one of the ways I can love them is by…” And then just do whatever they didn’t do—whatever’s bugging you. Do it exactly the way you want it to be done. Don’t even tell them you did it.
Also, here’s a little rule I try to live by: I can’t be mad about it if I wasn’t clear about it. Which means people can’t read your mind.
So, later, when you’re not in danger of losing your cool—just tell them in the kindest, most gentle way you can possibly say it—”I’d appreciate it if you would (whatever the thing is).”
They’re probably going to get defensive. It’s okay. Don’t react. Don’t repeat yourself. You already said it. Use this as an opportunity to exercise patience.
Also, if you’re the person being asked to do something—just say, “okay.” And then try to remember to do it—it’s a way you can love them.
We’ll wrap this up with talking about how your relationships are a picture of the Gospel.
It works like this:
God sees me and loves me God saw you with your hard dragon heart, when you were hideous in your sin, dead in your sin. He promised to love you anyway—at first sight. To show you patience, kindness, keeping no record of your wrongs, to offer you joy, peace, goodness. He is faithful to you in spite of your lack of faithfulness to Him.
Ask Him to help you show that same kind of love to the people in your life. To replace your dragon heart—with the heart of God.
Let’s ask God to help us with all this right now—repeat after me:
Father in heaven,
help me to keep these promises:
I promise to love people.
To be patient and kind;
to not be envious or prideful;
to not to be arrogant or rude.
I promise to not insist on my own way;
To not be irritable or resentful;
To not enjoy doing wrong,
to rejoice in the truth.
So, based on the word of the Prince of heaven, and the promise of the defeat of the dragon, you really do have the hope of living happily ever after. AMEN.
Last week was mutual submission. This week was love. Next week is respect, and week four is reconciliation. They all work together to make real good relationships.
Lord, Help us to believe Your wisdom above our own ideas. Help us to hold onto the hope of the Gospel, offer grace to people, and endure whatever happens. We pledge our love to You Lord, and to Your people, and we hold on to the promise that Your love never ends. AMEN