Real Good Relationships 4 "Handling Conflict"

1983. It was my second year of college, I’m 19 years old, Kim and I were engaged, it was the glory days of traveling in style with my Volkswagen minivan. We had crammed ten or eleven people inside, sitting on bean bags and pillows—who needs seatbelts?—and were going from Springfield, Missouri to Tulsa, Oklahoma to see a Christian rock concert. Steve Taylor was opening for Sweet Comfort Band—we were very excited. Try to suppress your envy if you can.

It was early winter and very cold. Those old VW vans had air cooled engines and no real heat so everyone was packed in tight with blankets wrapped around them. Again, try to contain your jealousy.

So the concert was great, thank you very much, and now we’re tooling merrily down the road on the way home, and all of a sudden hit a patch of black ice. Do you know what black ice is? It’s a thin layer of ice on the road’s surface—you can’t see it, there’s no warning—your vehicle just no longer has any connection to the road, no traction, no ability to steer or slow down or stop. You’re just floating wildly on a wet, hopelessly slick layer of ice—and in this case, at 60 miles an hour at night in a top-heavy bread box with ten people I cared about who were trusting me with their lives.

The rear end of the van started to drift to the right. I grew up in the north, I know how to drive on ice and snow, I take my foot off the gas, off the brake—I steer very carefully into the slide. My heart is racing. We seem to recover for a moment but we’re not slowing down at all, the rear wheels begin to slide out to the left now. It’s an interstate freeway, two lanes going east and two lanes going west, with a median strip of grass between. I knew if we went into the grass we would flip.

I must have overcorrected the second time. Now we were spinning in complete circles going down the middle of the two lanes. Everyone is screaming. We’re completely out of control. I held on to the steering wheel and prayed. I’m sure the others were praying, too.

I don’t know how many times we spun around. When it finally stopped, the van was facing the wrong way but we never left the road. Another thirty or forty feet and we would have crashed into a massive pile-up. There were cars and trucks all over the place, sprawled out on the highway, in the ditches—we were going to be there for a while. Everyone got out of the van—it was too slick to even stand still. I didn’t fall down but I just slid slowly downhill away from the van laughing. It was unreal. Eventually, we were able to turn the vehicle around and slowly drive home safely.

When I hear the phrase “spin out” this is what I think of.

A plan for how to handle conflict. Today we’re talking about reconciliation. Conflict resolution. Making up. What to do when things start to spin out in a relationship. Everything we talk about today applies to every relationship we have but it especially applies to our closest relationships—like marriage and parents and children.

I’m going to approach it from two phases of spinning out: As it starts to spin out, and once it’s spun out. Think of this as a plan for how to handle conflict.

One of the first things I bring up in relationship counseling is the metaphor of going on a journey with another person. “Where are you guys going? Where do you hope to end up?” Fast forward to the last scene, the destination—what does it look like?

Is it two old people sitting on their porch, holding hands, drinking ice tea watching the sunset? It’s usually some version of that. Let’s call this the “sunset porch.”

So you get married and that’s like getting in a vehicle to go on a long journey together. Have you talked about where you’re going? If not, it’s never too late for good conversation to get on the same page—every relationship needs to have a clear goal. 

If you have talked about where you’re going, have you talked about how you’re going to get there? Together?

You’re not going to end up holding hands watching the sunset if you’re not holding hands now—while you’re in the car driving toward that porch. You’re not going to end up together in the same place at all if you spend all your time driving in different directions. There’s going to be complications.

How do you handle conflict? What usually happens when you have a problem? Do you have a pattern? Ever thought about what your pattern is? Do you have a plan? Have you ever considered you might need a plan for how you handle conflict? 

Most people don’t. They drive their relationships like a teenage boy who thinks he’s invincible. Wrecks are things that happen to other people. Thinks he’s an excellent driver, even with his complete lack of experience. Rules and speed limits and seatbelt laws don’t apply to him.

This is why insurance for teenage boys costs as much as a brain transplant—because they’re probably going to need one.

So we just chug along in our relationships like nothing bad is going to happen. Not to us. We’re the exception. We’ll just avoid all the road hazards and bad drivers and if something does go wrong, we’ll deal with it then. 

Conflict is going to happen. Something’s going to go wrong. You’re going to hit black ice, or have a blowout, or whatever, and you’re not going to see it coming until you start to spin out.

Better to have a plan. Without a plan it always goes the same way.

If you’re going down the road and the car starts sliding to the right, the inexperienced driver will always do the wrong thing. They’ll hit the brakes and steer to the left—which will lock up the wheels, intensify the spin, and send them off the road into the ditch. 

What you should have done is counter-intuitive. Something you have to learn. When you start sliding to the right, you take your foot off the gas but you don’t hit the brake. You steer into the direction of the slide. Gently. Then you cautiously get back on course before you accelerate.

What does that have to do with conflicts?

It’s the same in relationships. You’re cruising along merrily and all of a sudden you start sliding toward a conflict. One of you says something and the other doesn’t like it. Someone does something and the other has a problem with it. Maybe you just don’t like the look on their face. No matter how it started, you’re not in complete control of where this is going anymore. 

The inexperienced can make many different kinds of mistakes here.

Rookie Mistakes They can slam on the brakes. Shut down. Clam up. You’re going to end up in the ditch.

They can accelerate into the slide. Huff and puff. Attack the other person. Try to knock them into the ditch. You’re going in with them.

They can accelerate away from the slide. Throw up their hands and storm away. You’ll just end up in two different ditches.

I guess they could ignore it, pretend like nothing’s happening. Just close their eyes and drive straight into the ditch. 

These are all rookie mistakes.

When things start to spin out, here’s what you should do:

Stop accelerating. Take your foot off the gas. Don’t escalate the conflict. You don’t make things better by making them worse. My emotions are like, “Oh yeah?! Watch this! Hold my beer!” My emotions are stupid.

Someone said something that made me mad! Hurt my feelings! I feel triggered! You don’t make things better by making them worse. 

I told my brother that was going to be a point in the upcoming sermon and he said, “What's the sermon about? How to be a master of the obvious?”

It seems obvious but it’s clearly not because we all do it. “I know exactly how to fix this situation—I shall break it more!” Haha!

No. Take your foot off the gas. Figure out which way you’re sliding and what’s going on. Gently steer into it. Gently.

“I have upset you. I don’t want to fight.”

If you don’t know why they’re upset, ask them. And try to only respond to what they say, not how they’re saying it.. This is where grace and self-control come in handy. Don’t respond to the their attitude, just their words. Remember, your goal is to not spin out—but you’re still sliding.

Of course, there’s also the other person, the other person who’s caught up in the slide. When the first person says, “I have upset you. I don’t want to fight. What’s going on?” You also need to take your foot off the gas—the car analogy breaks down at this point but you’re both driving.

You’re not going to make things better by making them worse, either.

No Blanking! But too many people are like, “You’re blank right I’m upset! You don’t want to fight but you should have thought about that before you blanking said what you said or did what you blanking did! It’s on now, blanker!” They slam on the brakes and the gas at the same time. Pour gasoline all over the fire. Spin out in a blanking blaze of glory!

You know who you are.

Don’t shoot blanks at each other. Blankety blank blank! If you’re in the habit of cussing at the people you love when you get mad—stop. Just stop. Don’t do it anymore. And if it’s a habit and it happens again, apologize like you are the only person in the world who ever tried to murder their loved one with vile, hateful words.

No one can protect the people you love from you but you.

In fact, I want you to make a promise. Right here, right now. I want you to promise in the presence of God and these witnesses not to escalate conflict with the people you love, and to not use profanity to attack them when you’re angry.

Can you do that? Are you willing to do that? If you promise to not use profanity against the people you love going forward then say, “I will with the help of God.” I will with the help of God.

Amen. That’s good. That’s going to help.

When things start to spin out, take your foot off the gas and gently steer into the slide.

Avoid saying anything that includes “you always” or “you never.” Those are always fighting words. They never help. Ha. They’re only meant to hurt. Only meant to punish. They are not words of love.

1st Corinthians 13:4-6, remember? “Love keeps no record of wrongs.” If you don’t have a record of the things they’ve done wrong, how can you accuse them of always or never doing something?

Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft word turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Do you want to listen to God’s wisdom or do you want to live like a fool?

And I understand that it’s hard to control your tongue. James, the brother of Jesus, said, “No one can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and with the same tongue we curse the people we’re supposed to love.” But he also said, “be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” Your raging stormcloud of anger isn’t going to do anything good. “The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Also James. Sounds like he knew what it was like to  struggle with a bad temper.

Here’s another “master of the obvious” quote for you: When things go wrong it’s because something is wrong.

It might be a misunderstanding. It might be the look on your face. It could be indigestion. The whole thing might be a mistake. 

Or they could also think it’s something serious. They might think you’ve lied, or cheated, spent money you shouldn’t have spent, they think something is wrong..

The first thing you need to do is find out what it is. And seriously consider that you might be part of the problem. What are they upset about? No matter how they’re acting, you need to understand that how you respond is completely your responsibility. You’re not going to make things better by making them worse.

This is what steering into the slide means. Try to remove the emotion and find out what the problem is.

If you do, you should be able to get back on the road in no time. It only takes a second to start sliding. If you don’t overreact, it should only take a second to stop.

You might not be able to solve the whole problem in that moment. But now you can solve it together instead of just spinning out and fighting against each other.

Hey, I’m married, too. I know how hard all this is. Sometimes I’m like:

“It’s my heart’s deepest desire to be married to a loser. That way I can win all the arguments.”

That’s so stupid. Stop trying to win the fight. 

Why would you want to be married to a defeated, beaten-down loser?

Kim and I haven’t spun out in 38 years. We’ve started to slide but we catch it and move on. 38 years is a pretty good track record but it wasn’t always like this. We’ll be married 39 years this August. We spun out a lot that first year. I’m just saying, this is experience talking as well as theology.

The best advice I have for any relationship is this: when things start to go bad, don’t let your emotions make it worse. Lean into it. Find out what’s wrong. And forgive each other—before you chase each other into the ditch. Take care of it right away. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger. Kim and I like to think of our words as if they were money—what am I buying with the words I’m saying? Am I trying to make things better? A repair attempt? Am I turning away from the other person? Am I just attacking them because I’m mad? Use your words to make things better, not worse.

So all of that was about avoiding spinning out. What about the view from the ditch? What if the road is littered with all your wrecked abandoned cars—what if you’ve started taking separate vehicles to avoid potential hazards?

First of all, remember the goal. Sunset porch. Together. Remember where the two of you are wanting to end up. Picture the destination. Proverbs says without a vision the people perish, they cast off restraint, if they don’t remember where they’re going, they’ll end up somewhere else.

So, you’ve spun out, you’re off the road, you’re in the ditch, you’re blaming each other. Now what?

How about this Proverb: 28:13, “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper,

    but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”

You’ve spun out. You’re pointing your fingers at each other—”It’s your fault!” “No, it’s yours!”

You’re absolutely convinced it’s all them. They started it. They did it. They said it. They always do this! And they never think they did anything wrong. Always. Never. They’re irrational. Illogical. I caught them in a lie. A sin. They’re wrong and they know it! And I’m not backing down!

“Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”

If you deny your part in the conflict. If you don’t admit your own fault—if you hide your sin—you’re not getting out of that ditch. 

We try to cover up our sins with evasions, excuses, we rationalize why we did what we did, said what we said, try to justify ourselves. It’s all pride. Two people spun out on the side of the road blaming each other, not going anywhere. It’s pride.

You don’t have to solve the problem right now but you do need to stop fighting against each other. You don’t have to fix the car while you’re in the ditch but you do have to stop bickering so you can get a ride home. 

Admit what you did wrong. Apologize. And not just in a lame attempt to get them to apologize, too. Don’t be passive aggressive. Don’t even expect them to apologize back. Assume they’re not going to and you don’t need them to. Say you’re sorry like you’re the only person who has ever sinned in the history of the world. 

And if someone apologizes to you—whether you like the apology or not—whether you want to believe them or not. Accept the apology. Tell them you accept it, “I accept your apology, I forgive you.” Don’t play the game of “they didn’t mean it! Anyone can say they’re sorry!” 

You ever had someone accept your apology and you’re like, “Well? You need to apologize, too!” Don’t be like that. They don’t have to do the right thing for you to do the right thing. Say you’re sorry and be done with it. Don’t say, “I’m sorry but…” No “but.” 

Maybe you’ve spun out so many times you don’t know where to start. The road behind you is just absolutely trashed with the wreckage of past confrontations.

Start where you are. Are you currently in the ditch? Meaning you’re mad at each other—things aren’t good. Figure out what’s wrong. Apologize for the part you played. Get back on the road together and carefully head in the direction you’re supposed to be going. Leave the wreckage in the rear view mirror—it will get smaller and smaller as you keep going.

Or maybe you’re not in a heated conflict. You spun out a long time ago and didn’t fix it. Maybe things have grown cold. You’re just camping out on the side of the road. Not going anywhere. 

Maybe you try not to think about it. Has my heart grown hard? Maybe your heart has grown pretty hard toward them. You can’t really stand the sight of their face. Their voice sounds like a dripping faucet. The way they chew fills you with rage. When you see their underwear on the floor or their shoes in the middle of the room you want to burn the house down.

You tell yourself you’re the good guy because of how much of their nonsense you put up with.

That’s a bad place to be. When your heart is like stone for the person you promised to love. When you are repulsed by them instead of the sight of them bringing you joy.

When things have gotten off track, love is the only way to get it back on track. Not ignoring them and silently despising them.

When a relationship goes cold, I always recommend a specific prayer. When their hearts have hardened toward the other person. Ezekiel 36:26 is God talking to His people and He says, “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” Now, He’s talking about how our hearts are cold and hard toward Him but since the fruit of that new Spirit He puts within us is love—love for Him and love for people—we can be sure this promise applies to our hearts toward each other, too. 

So, this is the prayer: “Lord, soften my heart toward (my wife. My husband. My mom or dad or kid. My friend. Whoever you’ve grown cold toward). Soften my heart and replace my heart of stone with a heart of flesh.” Pray that every time you think about them. Every time you start to feel resentful, angry, bitter, or less than loving toward someone you’re supposed to love.

Like everything else we’ve talked about today—you won’t feel like doing it. Do it anyway.

Ephesians 4:31-32 says, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

We’re all tempted to cover up our own sin. That’s actually the right response. The problem is we can’t do it. Our sins need to be covered but only Jesus, the cross that bought your forgiveness can do it. So stop trying to cover up your sin. Hear the Gospel: Jesus has covered you, your sins are forgiven.

Now, about those sins that people do against you. All those things people have said and done to hurt you—especially the people closest who can hurt you the most.

Don’t let bitterness grow in your heart. Bitterness is like a weed that grows in your heart and turns it to stone. 

Some of you might not even be able to hear what I’m saying today because you let your love grow cold and your hearts are crusted over. You might think it’s safer this way. No one can hurt you anymore. But it’s not good. God has given you a new heart, He’s put His Spirit within you. He has removed your heart of stone and given you a heart of flesh. If you’ve allowed any hardness to grow toward the people in your life—ask Him to soften your heart again. Lord, help me love my wife. Make her beautiful in my eyes. Jesus, give me love for my husband. Soften my hard heart and make it swell with love when I look at him. 

All the people in your life. All those people in your VW minivan, the ones God has trusted you to love, trusted you with their lives—stop blaming them for the times you’ve spun out. Forgive them and let them forgive you—when they’re ready. You can only control you.

Later, when we pray the Lord’s Prayer, let these words melt the black ice surrounding your heart: forgive us as we forgive those who trespass against us.

Then get back on the road and follow the wisdom of God wherever He’s leading you with all the relationships He’s given you to take care of. He promises He’s leading you somewhere real good. AMEN

As the band is coming back up…

This was the last in our four part series on Real Good Relationships. If you’ve missed any of them, I really want to encourage you to go to NewChurch.Love and go through them all. They’ll continue to be there when you need them or when someone you know might need some direction.

Source Material If you want to dig deeper into what I’ve been talking about, here are some books besides the Bible of course, that I used as source material for this series:

Love and Respect by Dr Emerson Eggrich

Decluttering Your Marriage by Douglas Wilson

The Relationship Cure by Dr John Gottman

Lectures on Marriage by Dr Jordan Peterson