Real Good Relationships Part One: Mutual Submission

5th grade. Edinburg, Illinois. I’m happily rocking up and down on the teeter-totter. Remember those? See-saws? They were only fun if the person on the other end was trustworthy. Unfortunately, the person on the other end was Mike Womack. He wasn’t usually nice to me but for some reason he asked if I wanted to get on the teeter-totter with him. You probably know where this story is going. After a few happy bounces, when I’m at the highest point—he rolls off his seat and sends me crashing to the ground. All his friends got a good laugh. I got a bruised ego and tailbone.

You can’t even buy those things anymore—too many back injuries.

It’s true of most of the equipment on the old playgrounds. Get on one of those metal merry-go-rounds and your friends would spin you until you were either thrown off or threw up. A lot of our trust issues come from the playground.

This is the first of a four-part series on relationships. It’s pretty ambitious to think we can cover even the most basic fundamentals of how to have real good relationships from a Biblical perspective in four thirty-minute messages—let alone deal with any aspect of the subject with real depth. I’m going to try, though. But it means we’ll have to move pretty fast. 

It also means you’ll need to jump in quick with both feet. Nobody can learn anything they think they already know. And most of us think we pretty much know everything we need to know about relationships.

We’re all deceived though. We’re all carrying our bruised tailbones and damaged perspectives on relationships from all the various playgrounds and situations of our past.

I was so hurt and angry when Womack did that to me. But how long do you think it was before I did it to someone else? Get them before they get me. Life became a game of see-saw roulette. 

It’s not just kids on the playground. There’s the way things are at home. The way our mom and dad treat us. The way they expect us to treat them. Grandma, grandpa, uncles, aunts. The dynamic between brothers and sisters and cousins. All these relationships are where we become who we are—the building blocks of society—it’s where we learn how to treat people. What our relationships are going to look like for the rest of our life. 

Some of it was good. Some of it was fine. But can we be honest for a second? A lot of it wasn’t. 

I know that’s true for me. I know it’s true for pretty much everyone.

Read any autobiography. Have a deep conversation with anyone. I’ve done a lot of counseling with people who seem fine on the outside but inside they’re carrying around all the pain and shame and bruises from all the relationships that have let them down over the years. No one gets out of childhood without some baggage and messed up ideas about relationships. 

And we’re bombarded with those ideas in TV shows and movies and song lyrics—people have very twisted ideas about how to treat other people. Selfish, distorted demonic ideas about what it means to love someone, be a friend, be a father, be a mother—we’ve all been lied to our entire lives by voices preaching those worldly lies to us. 

How do we need to change if we’re going to really follow Jesus? If we want to start having real good relationships. Relationships that are real (based on reality as God created it), and relationships that are good (as defined by God and not the world we live in).

Kelske talked about this last week. God has a standard. He wrote it down for us and everything. The Ten Commandments are a good start. They can be divided into two parts: The first half is the Commands about how to love God. The second half is the Commands about how to love people. 

Jesus gave us an even simpler way to look at it. Someone asked Him what the most important Commandment is and Jesus said it’s to, “love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.” Then He immediately added, “but the second is just as important—love your neighbor as yourself.” St Paul simplified it even more, he said it all comes down to love your neighbor. That’s what it means to love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. That’s what it means to be a Christian.

That’s what life is all about. That’s what serving God is all about. That’s what worship is all about.

You can’t learn something you think you already know. Your relationships aren’t going to get any better until you come to the realization that you need to change. You are the problem in all your relationships. That you don’t know everything. You have to unlearn, untwist, and with great humility—hear what God has to say to you about how to treat the people in your life.

If you don’t treat people the way God told you—you are hurting them. And you’re hurting yourself. Love is the point of the Commandments. Love is God’s law and standard. Anything else is sin. Selfishness is sin. Pride is sin. Grudges are sin. Hurting people is sin.

I hope I have your attention. I’ve spent way too much time trying to get it.

Let’s turn to Ephesians chapter 5, starting at verse 17…

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise … submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

The two paths: the way of wisdom or the way of fools. Submit to each other out of reverence for Christ, or try to force everyone to submit to you. Proverbs says the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Fear and reverence for everything God has told us to do is the beginning of wisdom. But it’s just the beginning. Because actually doing what God says—that’s what wisdom actually is. Knowing something is not wisdom—it’s knowing it and also doing it. I know I shouldn’t stick my face into a hot frying pan filled with sizzling bacon (that sounds like wisdom) but if I do it anyway, I’m not wise.

So, how much pain do you want in all your relationships? Word to the wise: submit to each other out of reverence for Christ. It’s all about mutual submission. 

Every relationship is a three-way relationship—you, the other person, and Christ.

Christ is the standard. He’s the Logos. He’s at the top of the hierarchy—the org chart—in all our relationships.

So with your husband, with your wife, with your father and mother, with your children—your friends—here’s how it works: You look to Jesus and then you look at the other person. And you don’t force them to do what you want. You don’t take advantage of each other. You don’t do things you know will drive them crazy. You're not irritable and overly sensitive. You don’t try to control people by being grumpy or impatient or sad. 

Mutual submission is laying down your lives for each other. Thinking the best of each other. Giving each other the benefit of the doubt. Submission means accepting or yielding to the will or authority of another person. It’s what Jesus did when He came to earth and lived among us—not only submitting to the Father but also to His earthly parents and the other people in His life. 

Mutual submission is doing for someone else what you wish they would do for you. You go first. What do you want out of a real good relationship? Whatever that is—Jesus says you need to do that for other people. First. Before they do it for you. Even if they never do. It’s not an exchange of kindnesses. We don’t give in order to get. 

Mutual submission is a paradox. An oxymoron. A mystery. Two people trying to submit to each other. I mean, how are you ever going to decide what’s for dinner?

At our house the rule is we do whatever the first person who speaks up says—also, try not to be the first person to speak up. Also, show grace to the person who has too many opinions about dinner. Ha

Treating people fair is demonic. The world says, “I treat people fair. If they’re good to me, then I’ll be good to them.” Yeah. That’s demonic. That’s the recipe for ruining every relationship in your life. Every one of them. Just be fair.

Oh, it works for a while but then someone is going to screw up. Now what? They hurt you so you have to hurt them back, right? It’s only fair. That starts the crazy cycle. Payback cycle. Eventually the relationship will be ruined.

Mutual submission is grace. We look to Christ, remember what He did for us, and then we show kindness, forgiveness, grace and mercy to the other person. Treat them better than they deserve.

And it’s always going to feel like death. Emotions are going to swell up. Your pride blinds you to wisdom. Stubbornness and resentment are going to be like a brick wall keeping you from doing the right thing. You won’t want to submit to them. You won’t want to let them have their way. Get what they want. It’s going to make you mad.

Anger is almost always because you can’t control someone. Mutual submission is the opposite of controlling people.

So, this is how Christians are supposed to treat every relationship in their life. As the chapter goes on, St Paul is going to give us some examples of how this works out in the most foundational relationships we have. In marriage, with parents and children, at work. He’s going to show how this mystery of mutual submission is the way all our relationships are supposed to work now that we’ve submitted our lives to Jesus as Lord. Verse 22… Ladies first!

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Ephesians 5:22-23

Say what? That’s still in the Bible? Submit in everything? You can’t say that to a woman these days!

Remember, this is talking about mutual submission. So, yeah, if you’re going to submit to each other then that means the wife has to submit to her husband, too. 

You know what it doesn’t say? It doesn’t say, “husbands, make your wife submit to you whether they want to or not.”

For Christians, submission is always given. It’s never taken. This is not domination. Wives are to give submission to their husbands just like they submit to the Lord. It’s given. It just means you don’t hold your opinions and desires over his. You submit to him in everything. 

And if that sounds old fashioned and unfair—like a male dominated caveman world—wait until you hear what husbands have to do…

Verse 25…

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her … In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. Ephesians 5:25-28

Husbands, you are to love your wife like Jesus loves His people. Do you remember what Jesus did for us? He submitted His life, and like not just a little, He let Himself be killed. I told you this mutual submission thing was going to feel like death. So, husbands have to be willing to die for their wives but that’s not the worst part. That’s not even the hard part. Husbands have to be willing to live for their wives. To treat her the way God told you to treat her—she’s your closest neighbor—love your neighbor as yourself. Living is a lot harder than dying. 

It’s not just about marriage. This is true in all of our relationships. Everyone wants to change the world but no one wants to help with the dishes. No one wants to change their mind or their attitude.

More on marriage. Marriage is important. It’s the fundamental building block of culture. We mess with God’s definition and standard of what marriage is at great danger to ourselves.

Verse 31… 

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” Ephesians 5:31

This is reality as God created it. Men and women in marriage becoming one flesh—that’s what God says marriage is. No matter what the wack-a-doodle world says. But I’m not just talking about political culture. We don’t act like we understand what marriage is in the church, either.This verse doesn’t mean that in marriage we break ties with our families. We never break ties with our family. But in marriage we start our own. That’s part of what “one flesh” means. It’s also talking about what we all think it’s talking about—you know, the way babies are made. It’s vital that sex is part of this whole mutual submission thing. We have to submit our stupid ideas about sex to the Lord or those ideas will destroy us. Sex before marriage waters down the importance of both sex and marriage. And then, even if we keep our pants on until the wedding, sex usually starts off as one of the greatest joys in marriage but a lot of times ends up being one of the greatest sources of pain. It’s funny—the devil will do everything in his power to try and get unmarried people in bed together, and then after the wedding, he works even harder to keep them apart. Here again, God’s wisdom has a better way.

“Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise … submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
Ephesians 5:15-21

In other words: if one of you is in the mood, you’re both in the mood [1 Corinthians 7:4]—that’ll solve half your marriage problems. The Bible says,

“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.” 

I don’t know why people don’t understand this—when a wife rejects her husband’s sexual advances, that’s the deepest kind of rejection there is. Same when a husband rejects his wife. How many of those rejections do you think a person will take before they stop trying? Before it changes the marriage? Before they start looking somewhere else? Don’t do it. Don’t reject each other. I know there’s probably any number of people hearing me say this (although it’s not me saying it, it’s God’s Word) and they’re thinking, “Yeah but you don’t understand my situation—our situation is different.” No, it’s not. Abstaining out of mutual consent—either for health reasons, or the time of the month, or prayer and fasting—abstaining out of mutual consent is fine. As long as it’s actually mutual. But some of you need to make some changes. Have some difficult conversations with gentleness and humility. There need to be some apologies, some forgiveness and some real repentance. You’re going to have to really put your faith into action and show the Gospel to each other—in bed. 

Like I said, that’ll solve half the marriage problems.

The other half can be solved by being faithful to each other. Like, actually faithful—don’t cheat on each other. But also, don’t flirt with disaster by fantasizing about being with other people. Jesus said if you look at someone with lust you have committed adultery in your heart.

Do we want to be demonic fools? Or do we want to live in the wisdom of God?

But who needs faithfulness when we have emotions, right? I don’t want to be faithful when I’m so dang upset! When I don’t feel like it!

This mutual submission thing isn’t just about the relationship of marriage. St Paul goes on in chapter 5 and 6 to talk about children obeying their parents. Parents not provoking their children to anger—it specifically mentions fathers, probably because we’re so good at it, but moms can be pretty awesome at making their kids mad, too. 

Mutual submission maintains our social roles. So, just like with husbands and wives mutually submitting to each other—yet mysteriously maintaining their roles of husband and wife—parents and children are to mutually submit to each other without losing their roles as parent and child.

Children obey your parents Kids, do what you’re supposed to do without being nagged, without complaining—obey your parents as if by doing those things, you are worshiping God. Because you are. Parents show your kids grace And parents, when they forget or neglect to do what you said—show them the same kind of grace and understanding you hope God shows you for all of your sins.

Maybe you have a rule in your house about cleaning up after yourself and not leaving dirty dishes in the living room—I mean, I hope you have that rule. When the kids don’t clean up after themselves, there is no doubt, they have sinned against you, the house, and God Himself. It’s not good. It’s not acceptable. But if you find the mess and lose your mind, screaming at them, belittling them—or worse—break things and threaten them with violence. That’s just as bad. Your anger is not going to produce the righteousness of God. When you act this way, you’re also sinning against them, against the house, and against God Himself. 

Every time someone sins against you, it’s a perfect opportunity to show them what the Gospel looks like. And it will always feel like death. It’s always a little glimpse of the cross. 

By the way—in the Bible, grandparents have as much responsibility as parents in these things. The relationship between grandparent, parent and child has to be a very careful mutual submission with Christ as head over everyone. 

Same with bosses and employees. Same with friends. Same with people at church. All of our relationships are only going to be real good if we submit to each other out of reverence for Christ. Mutual submission.

It’s a simple concept but it’s not easy and you’re going to get it wrong sometimes. You’re going to be selfish and controlling. People are going to get under your skin and you’re going to want to get them back. Your feelings are going to get hurt. You’re going to get annoyed. You’re going to get angry. The opposite of mutual submission is selfishness. Pride. It’s the root of every of evil and sin. It’s the opposite of God’s wisdom. It’s demonic foolishness.

Now remember, submission is given, not taken. How do YOU need to work on submitting to other people? Don’t be elbowing the person next to you. Or thinking about someone you wish was here. When is submitting to other people the most difficult for you? When she rolls her eyes? When he ignores you? When someone shows you anger? When you’re reminded to do something? When you’re in the mood and they’re not? When is it hard to submit to other people? I want to challenge you to think about this and be open to finding ways to improve your relationships. Can you agree with me to try?

God’s promise to you, as you submit yourselves one to another in reverence to Christ, is the more you walk in His wisdom the better your relationships will be. The better your life will be.

But He has an even greater promise than that. It’s this: when you fail to submit to your husband, your wife, your parents, your kids, your boss, your teachers, your friends—when you’re selfish and fail in all the ways you will fail—God will always have grace and forgiveness for you. Because of Jesus, your sins will always be forgiven. Because He submitted Himself all the way to death on the cross, you will always be treated with mercy and grace.

And Grace is the most offensive thing in the world. To get something you don’t deserve—that’s bad enough—but to offer grace to people who hurt us, let us down, treat us with contempt—jump off the teeter-totter and send us to the ground with a bruised tailbone and trust issues for the rest of our life. To treat them better than they deserve—it’s offensive. 

Mutual submission doesn’t make sense outside the Gospel. None. God is commanding you to offer the same grace to everyone in your life that He has offered you. To be a living example of the Gospel for each other. When you submit yourself to the people in your life—you are fulfilling the commands of God. When you receive the gift of love from someone else, when they submit to you—you are receiving the kindness and mercy of God. And when you show kindness and mercy to people who have sinned against you—that’s proclaiming the Gospel with your very life. AMEN.

Okay, that was part one in this four part series—you’re going to want to collect the whole set. They all build on each other. Next week: part two.