Relationship Rules #2 - The Heart
Next Thursday we’ll cook a bunch of food and prove we’re thankful to God for all the good things He gives us in our lives, celebrate His kind provision, by indulging in gluttony and food comas. I will fill my plate with succulent morsels of turkey, perfectly mashed potatoes, buttery toasted rolls, decadent sweet potato casserole.
And because I used to live in a trailer: the glory that is Stove Top stuffing, mac n cheese made with Velveta, canned green beans because they’re better,
and my jaws will ache in delight as I cut a slice of jellied cranberry sauce from a cranlog that still has the distinctive ridges of the Ocean Spray can. My heart will lead me to fill my plate until gravy is dripping off the edge.
I’m not only going to eat every bite, but there will also come a point when my turkey to mashed potato ratios will get out of balance and I will refill one or the other in a preventative move before the rest of the food is gone.
Then I’ll probably do it again. My heart will be almost as full as my belly, yet it will already be thinking of pumpkin pie and ice cream. If I follow my heart on Thanksgiving Day, I will likely eat until I hate myself. [clear slide]
This is what the heart does. It leads us to ruin. The heart wants what the heart wants. My mind knows that I only need about 2500 calories a day. My heart will try to cram in more than 5,000 during dinner alone. And then pie. Maybe a late-night snack when I get hungry again.
Rule #179 – Don’t Follow Your Heart
I’ve heard all my life that I should listen to my heart. Do what my heart tells me. My heart is an idiot that wants me to die of diabetes and morbid obesity.
And it’s not just with food that I can’t trust my heart. Meaning my desires. My dreams. My thoughts. I can’t trust myself and what I think is best about anything.
This is a series called Relationship Rules, so we’re talking about our relationships with other people, but those all start with the relationship we have with ourselves. The way we think about ourselves. How much we think we can trust our intuition. Do we understand what a despicable, unreliable jerk our heart truly is?
It’s full of bad advice. If there’s a dumb way to understand something, if there’s the worst possible way to look at it, that’s the best our heart has to offer. We should never listen to our heart. You should never listen to your heart. That’s the most important thing you need to know about yourself.
The human capacity for self-deception is only limited by our potential for self-delusion. We love all the wrong things, make them the ultimate things, and turn them into idols. We compare ourselves to other people and create envy and insecurity and anxiety. We think the worst of people, make them enemies in our mind, we’re critical of everyone. Well, at least everyone we’re critical of. [And Self Criticism] But we’re even worse to ourselves. We tell ourselves the worst, most judgmental, critical, awful things. Constantly. No one can say the kind of horrible things to you that you so effortlessly say to yourself—with surgical precision. You know exactly what you think is wrong with you, what you don’t like about yourself. And you remind yourself of those things every day without mercy.
But when someone else says something that reminds us of any of these terrible things we think about ourselves, we get offended. How dare they accuse me of something I already know about myself!
Then the heart gets defensive. It says “Hey! It’s okay when I point out your insecurities but if someone else does it, those are fighting words!” Turnabout is fair play! Sick em!
If we follow our heart, we’ll ruin every relationship we ever have.
Most of our relationship troubles start in our mind. We get annoyed, irritated. We have trust issues and assign motives to people for the things they say and do. We think “they must have said that because they think I’m stupid. They did that just to disrespect me.” We make up motives for people and then get mad at them for the imaginary reasons we created.
You don’t know what people are thinking. Stop pretending like you do, and stop reacting to people based on your imaginary projections. 1 Corinthians 2:11 says
“No one can know a person’s thoughts except that person’s own spirit…”
which means we don’t know why other people say and do the things they do, and we probably don’t even really know our own motives—notice it says “no one knows a person’s thoughts except that person’s own spirit.” I don’t think your spirit is your logical mind, I think your motives are deeper than that.
So don’t follow your heart.
“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:9
The reason we have so much trouble in our relationships is because we’re so corrupted and deceitful and deceived at our core, in our heart of hearts. James 4:1 says
“What causes quarrels and fights? Don’t they come from all those desires that battle within you?”
The heart wants what the heart wants. And it steps on people to get it. Uses people. Hurts people. Wants what they’ve got. Constantly looking for ways to justify itself. Rationalize what it wants.
The heart lies to you. If you let it, it will try to ruin all your relationships.
The heart is always wanting things to be fair. It’s like a little kid screaming “That’s not fair!”
Rule #1412 Don’t Treat People Fair
Sounds wrong, doesn’t it? Doesn’t it seem like treating people fair is the right way to treat them? Proverbs 14:12:
There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death.
I always told my kids there was no such thing as “fair.” Fair doesn’t exist on this planet. Fair leads to death.
Here’s how fair works: you think “I’ll be nice to them as long as they’re nice to me.” That’s works for a little while but then at some point, something happens. They disappoint you. Your heart thinks, “Hey, they weren’t nice to you! Now you don’t have to be nice to them.” It won’t be long until this relationship is done. If you want to ruin a relationship all you have to do is base it on being fair.
This whole cancel culture thing—that’s what it’s all about. Someone does something people don’t like and that’s it. Put them on the list. No getting off that naughty list once they’re on there, either.
The only way relationships work is grace. If you want good relationships, you can’t treat people fair, you can’t treat them the way they deserve to be treated—you have to treat them better than they deserve. You have to show them grace. Grace isn’t fair. Grace forgives. Grace shows mercy. The world knows nothing of grace. Grace is completely a byproduct of the teachings of Jesus and the Gospel. Grace is becoming more and more of a foreign concept in our culture.
I suppose the good news about that is how shocking the Gospel sounds to people who hear it for the first time. In this “one strike, you’re out” hateful cancel culture, the true Gospel of Jesus Christ is the most countercultural thing they’ll ever hear. When we look someone in the eyes and tell them, “I know you’ve messed up, you’ve done terrible things, you’ve said awful things, you’ve disappointed people, you’ve disappointed yourself, you’ve hurt me, and you’ve sinned against God in every possible way imaginable. You deserve to be canceled. You deserve death. But…”
And here’s the part that will blow their mind, because they already knew all that other stuff…
Ephesians 4:4-8
“But God is so rich in mercy, and he loves you so much, that even though you were dead because of your sins, he gave you life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!) For he raised you from the dead along with Christ and seated you with him in the heavenly realms because you are united with Christ Jesus. … God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God.”
Grace. It’s not fair, but He gives it to you anyway.
And that’s the only way you and God are going to be okay. It’s also the only way you’re going to have any chance of getting along with people and not destroying all your relationships.
First of all, like I said, you shouldn’t listen to your heart. It’s a punk. But you should talk to it.
Rule #103 – Talk To Your Heart
Psalm 103 1-3 says, “Bless the Lord, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins.”
This is someone calling themselves to worship. “Hey heart! Listen up! Bless the Lord. Hey soul, praise the Lord. Stop being so petty and selfish.
When I say “Lift up your hearts!” you say,
We lift them up to the Lord.
It’s something you have to intentionally do. We talked about this a few weeks ago but here’s a reminder: when you wake up in the morning, when you’re in that nearly hypnotic state, before you check your phone or email, before you look at your to-do list, before you start watching YouTube videos or checking the news, before social media—how about acting like an actual follower of Jesus. A person who actually believes in God. Open your eyes and say “Good morning, Lord.” Then as quickly as possible, open your Bible and let God speak to your soul. Tell your heart, your worries, your passions, your ambitions—tell them to shut up and pay attention. God is speaking to you through His Word. Then after you read a bit, it’s time to pray, and you might actually have to say this out loud: “Bless the Lord, O my soul. Praise the Lord, you stupid rebellious heart.” Before you go about your day, make sure you started by inclining your heart toward God.
Then, there will be people. You’re probably going to come in contact with other people throughout the day. They are going to annoy you, irritate you, disappoint you, poke at your insecurities, say stupid things, and all the other things people do. Don’t be surprised by this. People are the worst. We’re all the worst. We’re the reason Jesus had to come into the world and die for our sin.
[Rule #103 – Talk To Your Heart} So before you can speak words of grace to people, before you can love your neighbor as you love yourself, you’re going to have to have a little self pep talk.
There’s a powerful section in Ezekiel where he talks about God giving His people a new heart. He says in 36:26
“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”
This is the Gospel that we received by grace through faith. God gives us a new heart, His heart, and His Holy Spirit. He removes our heart of stone and gives us a heart of flesh.
This is going to have to be a constant daily prayer. “Lord, take away my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh.” When someone says something we don’t like, “Lord, take away my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh.” When someone disappoints us, “Lord, take away my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh.” Anytime we get mad at someone, say it with me, “Lord, take away my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh.”
When things aren’t right between you and the people you love, you have to ask the Lord to soften your heart. “Lord, help me love them, help me delight in them, help me show them kindness and mercy and grace. Because right now I don’t want to.”
This would not be the time to elbow the person next to you or look down the row to see if they’re paying attention. I’m talking to you right now. You need to apply this to yourself. We always need to apply God’s Word to ourselves first.
[God Sees You Through Eyes of Grace] We need to remember that God sees us through Jesus. Because of the cross and the resurrection, God sees you through eyes of grace. He sees a beloved child. Fully restored and forgiven. Your heart will remind you how ugly you are, a miserable sinner, a failure, your heart wants to condemn you. That’s why God has to give you a new heart. Give you a new spirit.
Here’s a weird analogy I thought of the other day. I think it’s the perfect compliment to my Thanksgiving Dinner opening.
Imagine that Willie Nelson found an old scrap of paper with his grandma’s handwritten Texas Pecan Pie recipe on it. He remembers that when he was a kid, it was the best pecan pie he’d ever tasted. So he tries to follow the recipe and make it but it doesn’t come out quite right. Grandma Nelson wrote down the ingredients but not the measurements or the oven temperature or how long to bake it. So he has an idea, he’ll have a Texas Pecan Pie baking contest where he gives everyone his grandma’s recipe and the person who gets it to taste the most like he remembers wins the prize. A million dollars plus all the publishing royalties from all his songs. They get everything if they can get that pie to taste like grandma’s.
Here’s the point: it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks makes a great pecan pie. There’s only one person whose opinion is going to mean anything. Willie is the only one who knows what he’s looking for. He’s the only one who knows what it’s supposed to taste like.
[Rule #312 Discipline Your Heart] You can follow your heart, listen to your heart—but it doesn’t know Jack squat about what’s good for you, or what’s good for other people. God’s the only one who knows those things. His is the only opinion that matters. He’s the ultimate judge. That’s why He shows us grace and forgiveness and gives us a new heart. And He wants us to discipline those new hearts to do the same thing for other people.
There’s all kinds of verses telling us to discipline our hearts and minds:
We’re to set our minds on the things above [Colossians 3:1-2],
we’re to be transformed by the renewing of our mind [Romans 12:2],
we’re to take every thought captive [2 Corinthians 10:3],
we pray,
“create in me a clean heart, put a steadfast spirit within me” [Psalm 51:10],
we hide God’s Word in our heart so that we might not sin against Him [Psalm 119:11],
so that we can
“keep God’s laws with our heart” [Proverbs 4:20-21].
So that we can love the Lord with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength—and love our neighbor as ourselves. [Matthew 22:37]
We can only do this because He gave us a new heart:
God’s love has been poured into our hearts [Romans 5:5],
“This is the covenant I will make with them after that time, says the Lord. I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds.” … “Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more.” [Hebrews 10:16–17]
It doesn’t matter what other people think of you, it doesn’t matter what you think of yourself, because of Jesus God thinks you’re okay. You’re as sweet as Grandma Nelson’s pecan pie in His sight.
The first step in ruining our relationships always starts in the way we think about people. Romans 8:6 says
“to set your mind on the flesh is death, but to set it on the Spirit is life and peace.”
You can choose to redirect your thoughts. You can run them through the filter of grace. They don’t deserve your forgiveness, give it to them anyway. They don’t deserve your kindness, give it to them anyway. They don’t deserve for you to love them, love them anyway.
In Philippians 2:5 we’re told to have the same mind as Jesus, to love people, to work together with one mind and purpose. To not be selfish; to not waste our time trying to impress people. To be humble, to think of others as better than yourself. To not look out only for your own interests, but to take an interest in others, too.
To have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.
Though he was God,
he did not think of equality with God
as something to cling to.
Instead, he gave up his divine privileges;
he took the humble position of a slave
and was born as a human being.
When he appeared in human form,
he humbled himself in obedience to God
and died a criminal’s death on a cross.
[Philippians 2:2–8]
Everyone who follows Jesus, follows Him to a cross. In Luke 9:23 Jesus says we’re to take up our cross and die to ourselves daily. This is how we’re supposed to think about people. The mind of Christ Jesus. Humility. Thoughts of grace have to happen before we can speak words of grace to each other.
Last Scripture for today, Philippians 4:8:
“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. (this is the only way your relationships are going to work) Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. [Philippians 4:8]
[Lord, take away my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh.] Think of the most difficult person in your life. A person you’re really struggling with. Now say this with me, “Lord, take away my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh.” AMEN