Relationship Rules #3 - Pursue

1 Peter 3:8-12

“Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude. Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will grant you his blessing. For the Scriptures say,

“If you want to enjoy life and see many happy days, keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies. Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace, and work to maintain it. The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right, and his ears are open to their prayers. But the Lord turns his face against those who do evil.” 1 Peter 3:8-12

Sometimes people say, “I tried reading the Bible but it’s too hard to understand.” That didn’t seem too difficult to me: “Be of one mind. Sympathize with people. Love each other as brothers and sisters.” But Frank, how are we supposed to know what the Bible means when it says such cryptic things: “Be tenderhearted. Keep a humble attitude.” I mean, Christians have been throwing Bible verses at each other for thousands of years, who’s to say which interpretation is the right one?

“Don’t repay evil for evil. If someone insults you, don’t insult them back. Bless them instead.” It’s all so confusing! What could it possibly mean? How are we supposed to figure out what God actually wants us to do? How are we supposed to live our lives?

“Keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies.” What does that mean? It’s so mysterious! Are we supposed to turn away from good and do evil? I’m so confused! Are we supposed to search for ways to argue with people and criticize them? Put on our best “jerk face” and correct everyone? Make war, not love? What on earth could God possibly mean when He says, “The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right, and his ears are open to their prayers. But the Lord turns his face against those who do evil.”

You know, sometimes the Bible is actually hard to understand. It was written in different languages, very different cultures and there are times when it takes some real wisdom and discernment to figure out what it’s saying. 

But most of the time that’s not the case. Most of the time it’s perfectly clear. It’s not that we don’t get it—we just don’t want to do what it says.

[Recap: Thoughts, Words, Deeds.] This is the final week in our series called “Relationship Rules.” We’ve been looking at some of the things God’s Word tells us about how to treat each other. Some of the ways we mess up our relationships. The way we ruin our relationships with the words we use, letting our tempers control us, listening to our heart and following it into all kinds of bad ideas. But also how speaking the words of Christ, the Gospel, the promises of Jesus, is the way we bless each other. Kind words, words of life, words that build our faith and encourage each other. When we hear these words, when we speak these words to each other, and even when we speak those words to our own heart—it changes us. He removes our heart of stone and gives us a heart of flesh. He puts a new Spirit within us. It’s always an undeserved gift. It’s always grace. This is how we receive faith. This is how we become a person of faith.

Today we’re getting down to the nitty-gritty. How the things we do, our actions, our deeds—how those things are either going to flow from our faith and build up our relationships, or we’ll just continue being the selfish, petty, judgmental jerks we’ve always been. 

It’s amazing to me how many people don’t seem to have noticed how many letters the word “faith” and “faithful” have in common. They’re almost the same word but you wouldn’t know it by the way people act. People say they believe in God, they say they have “faith” but they don’t seem to connect that to being “faithful”—not to God and not to other people. They just believe in some nebulous way. [Grace and Gracious] In the same way, they’ll tell you they were saved by “grace” but they don’t seem to notice how “grace” is almost the same word as “gracious.” They don’t connect the grace they received with being gracious to other people.

We need to put the “you” in “faithf-U-l,” and the “I” in “grac-I-ous.” You won’t be able to unsee THAT silliness now. You’re welcome.

One more, today we’re going to talk about how we’re not supposed to put the “shun” in relationships.

People used to just know what to do in certain situations. They didn’t have to be asked. Someone died, you went to their house, sat on the couch, and drank their beer. You told funny stories about the person who died, you laughed and you cried. You filled up their counter and their refrigerator with casseroles and pies and cakes and cookies.

Nowadays, people just send a text with “thoughts and prayers.” They say “hey, let me know if you need anything.”

Have you ever noticed? They’re never going to tell you they need anything—they’re never going to ask. We need to just go to their house, do their dishes, mow their lawn, wash their laundry, change the cat litter, walk the dog, or just sit in the room with them. Do something.

On a Friday night in 2001, we were hanging out at our friends Thadd and Pam’s house. It was late and raining hard but we were waiting for it to calm down before we drove home. We sat in their living room talking and laughing and noticed the neighbors across the street seemed to be evacuating the neighborhood. We thought it seemed like a bit of an overreaction, “Oh, no! It’s raining, we better run for the hills!”

But a few minutes later, we saw the water standing in the front yard and the street. When we opened the front door it was only a few inches from coming into their house.

It was suddenly not very funny—and our house was only a few blocks away.

Getting back to our place was a nightmare, the normal route was completely under-water. Every road led to a dead-end of cars stalled out in flooded streets. I finally made it home by driving through water up to our headlights.

Our neighborhood was a lake but the water was still several feet from the front door. 

I started moving my computers and musical instruments to higher ground, after a couple of hours the water was in my office and was making its way to the rest of the house. It kept rising.

We worked all night moving everything off the floor. Around 5AM we collapsed from anxiety and exhaustion onto our bed and fell asleep.  

I was woken up by someone knocking on my bedroom window. The sun was up and it was warm and steamy in the house because the electricity was out and there was a foot and a half of stinky water inside. It was Thadd knocking on the window. I slid it open.

He was standing in waist-deep water in my yard. He said, “I thought I might find you here.” 

He said they had done the same thing, worked all night to save what they could.

I couldn’t believe he was standing there outside my window and that he had thought of us when his own house was underwater. He said, “I don’t know what you were planning on doing but you can’t stay here. This water is filthy and we need to get Kim and Von somewhere else.”

What you might be recognizing right now is the emotion that accompanies real friendship in action. He didn’t wait for me to ask. I wouldn’t have asked. 

Now here’s the funny thing about our friendship with Thadd and Pam, if we don’t call them and invite them to get together, we’d probably never see them again. It’s always been that way. That’s the way our friendship is—we’re almost always the ones who call them.

If we decided one day that our feelings are hurt that we are always the ones who have to reach out to them—if we thought, “you know what? Let’s just wait for them to call us.” If we changed the rules on the relationship—it wouldn’t be cool, all we’d be doing is messing it up. 

You ever have thoughts like that, though? People you enjoy and care about but you start to feel sorry for yourself that they never call you? They never text you? They never invite you? They never make the first move? Those are petty, destructive thoughts. All they can do is ruin things.

Don’t change the rules on a relationship. Don’t expect people to suddenly know that you want them to reach out to you. No one can read your mind.

[Rule #316] We have to pursue the people we love. Remember Peter said, “Search for peace, and work to maintain it.” Search. Work. Jesus said, “do to others what you want them to do to you.” He didn’t say “do for others if they do for you.” You go first. You take the initiative. He didn’t say to wait until they ask, He said to just do it. This is true in all areas of life and in every relationship you’ll ever have. We have to pursue the people we love.

Remember the song “The Cat’s In The Cradle?” 

A father neglects his son because he’s too busy and the son grows up to be too busy for the people he loves, too. Song gets me every time. 

We have to pursue the people we love. Make time for them. Go to them. 

There’s so many little practical ways to do this: When your kids are little, get down on the floor and play with them. Toy cars and dolls and Legos are the most important thing in the world for a while. I never cared anything about video games, I was never good at them, but I can’t tell you how many hours I spent on the Playstation with Angel. He was destroying me by the time he was five but I kept playing. Now it’s ping pong. It was the same with the girl, every night when it was time for bed, I was tempted to skip out on reading to Von. Her night-time prayers were a 20-minute list of praying for every person she had ever met. Kim and I have spent hour after hour after hour listening to Von describe her dreams and make up stories. You gotta stay in there. You have to pursue the people you love. You have to include them in your life, you have to do their projects and homework with them. Watch shows they want to watch. Read books they want to read. Listen to music they like. Invite them to do the same. On Sundays I sit with my dad and watch sportsball—anyone who knows me, knows it’s not because of my love for the game. Stop what you’re doing and greet each other with hugs and conversation when they come home from work or school. Don’t hide in different rooms or behind the screens of your phone. Pursue the people you love.

It’s not just about your immediate family, either.

When we come together on Sunday, the whole point is to encourage each other. To help each other build our faith and to walk in faithfulness. It’s so important to show up when the church gathers. It’s very discouraging to the rest of us when you don’t. And when you are here, don’t just wait for people to come talk to you, and then silently judge people for not being friendly enough. 

[Rule #66 Get Over Yourself] I know, some people are introverted and shy and other people are more outgoing. I’m not asking anyone to be something they’re not. But I am saying that you need to get over yourself. Die to yourself. Be for other people. Just find a way to do it that’s consistent with the way God created you.

Invite people to lunch after church. Don’t just hurry off after worship to the comfort and isolation of your life. This is your spiritual family. We’re supposed to love each other and help each other grow in our faith. We can’t do that if we don’t know each other. We have to spend time together. Share our stories. Share our dreams and our struggles and our joys. You have to pursue people. If they say no, invite them again next week, wear them down. And if someone takes the risk of inviting you to lunch, don’t turn them down! Just go.

And when you’re at lunch, try to not make it about you. Pursue the other people at the table. Ask them questions. Be interested in the answers. I have a suggestion but you can’t tell anyone you’re doing it—play the Question game. See how many questions you can ask someone before they ask you a question. Seriously, you can’t tell them you’re doing this or it defeats the purpose. I was at a birthday party for one of Angel’s friends one time and I asked some kid’s dad 47 questions before he finally asked, “So, what do you do?” 

The Question Game is about asking questions and follow-up questions—it’s harder than you might think. We’re all so used to talking about ourselves. So tempted to play “that ain’t nothing” Try to one-up everyone’s stories. Try to prove how smart we are, how much we know. I think you’ll be surprised at how it is to make it about someone else. 

These are just a few examples of what Peter was talking about when he said,

“Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude. Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do… Search for peace, and work to maintain it.” 1 Peter 3:8-12

Do for others what you wish they would do for you. You go first. 

That’s kinda the whole point of the Gospel. God went first.

John 3:16

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”

God went first. He pursued us. He came to us.

When you were dead in your sin, Jesus came to you and gave you life. Because of his great love for you, He made you alive—it is by grace you have been saved. And he proactively made plans for your whole life, giving it meaning and purpose and hope, before you were even born.

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:10

He pursued you. He made you perfectly designed so that you can pursue the specific other people in your life. 

And He promises that He will keep on pursuing you. No matter where you go. You will never be left on your own: Psalm 139:7-8 says,

“I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there.”

God promises to be with you. [Now, Not Yet] This is true in your life right now, but it will be true on a completely different level when Jesus returns on the last day. God is with you now but it’s a “now, not yet” reality. It’s true now by faith, but it will be true later in an undeniable act of recreating the heavens and earth so that every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus is Lord.

It’s good now but it’s going to be really good then. The end of the book of Revelation says “And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying,

“Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God.” Revelation 21:3 

[God Pursues Us] In other words, God will continue to pursue mankind. He’s going to come down here and stay. This is incredibly good news for all of us who have faith in His Son. It’s the best possible news for all of us who have heard the Gospel and believed that Jesus is Savior and Lord. It’s the great hope for everyone who has received the free gift of salvation, everyone who has been saved by grace.

The good news is that God pursues you. I love this image from the book of Zephaniah,

“The Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with singing.”

God is living among you and is singing over you, rejoicing.

Jesus shows us how it’s done. He came to where we are, got down on our level. He does not shun you. He pursues you. He gets down on the floor with you. He knocks on your window when you are sleeping. He invites you to His table and into His family. He joins you in your home. He doesn’t wait for you to ask. He patiently waits for you to respond.