Relationship Rules #1 - Words

Good morning. I’m really glad to see everyone here, thanks for joining us.

It’s always good to get together in worship and gather around God’s Word and the promises of Jesus.

We’re starting a new series this morning about relationships. Relationship Rules.

Jesus said the whole point of everything comes down to how we treat each other. The way we worship God and do His will in our lives is summed up in Jesus’ commandment to “love one another.” 

St Paul echoed the words of Jesus when he said in Galatians 5:14,

“For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: "Love your neighbor as yourself."

One of the most important ways that we protect our relationships and love the people in our lives is by carefully guarding the words we say to each other.

You don’t have to say everything you think. If you did, you probably wouldn’t have any friends.

So, Rule #2123 is “You Don’t Have to Say Everything You Think.” Proverbs is a book in the Bible that has a lot of wisdom for how to live life. Proverbs 21:23 says

“Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.”

Then in the New Testament, James says “good luck with that.” James 3:8 says,

“no human being can control the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.”

Doesn’t mean we’re not supposed to try though. He also says

“If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless.” (James 1:26)

And in 3:10 he says

“if blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth, that isn’t right.”

In other words, “you kiss your momma with that mouth?” And then there’s my favorite verse from James, “ Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness of God.” [Rule #119 Nothing good comes from getting mad.]

But Frank, you don’t understand, they started it! Someone said something on the internet that isn’t true! Makes me so mad! They said something mean. I don’t take no crap off no one! I’m gonna stand my ground! They made me mad, hurt my feelings. Hurt my pride. Don’t tell me to calm down. 

In Ephesians 4:26 Paul says

“Be angry and sin not.”

And people combine that verse with Jesus driving out the money changers, and they think it means in any given situation “what would Jesus do” always includes the possibility of kicking over tables and smacking people with whips.

Human anger doesn’t produce the righteousness God desires. (James 1:20)

Paul is saying “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” He goes on to say, in fact “Don’t let the sun go down while you are still mad.” You’re going to get mad, everyone does, but don’t be controlled by your emotions, don’t say or do things out of anger. Nothing good comes from you getting mad.

What about righteous anger? Shouldn’t we get mad about the same things God gets mad about? One of my seminary professors wrote a paper called “The Myth of Righteous Anger.” You should look it up. Jeff Gibbs.

Vengeance is Mine, thus sayeth the Lord. And Jesus is Lord, so if He wants to use whips and kick over tables, He knows exactly what He’s doing. The rest of us, probably not.

But this isn’t a message on anger management, per se. This is a message on relationships. How we treat people when we get mad is a really important aspect of interpersonal relationships. It’s probably one of the most important aspects.

[I love you but you make me mad] We get mad when we’re disrespected. When we’re misunderstood. When people tease us. When people disappoint us. When people betray us. When people hurt us. We get mad when something is wrong between us and someone else—there are so many reasons.

Different people deal with it in very different ways. Some people get quiet and avoid the person they're mad at. Some people deny that they’re mad at all. Some people get super critical and harsh. Some people try to be subtly manipulative without making direct confrontation—this is called passive-aggressive. Others are more aggressive-aggressive. They yell and scream and get in your face. Some just cry. There’s a million different ways to do the wrong thing when we get mad. A million ways to sin in our anger.

So, what should we do? Does the Bible give us any advice about how to not sin when we’re mad?

Rule #151 Be gentle instead of harsh. Proverbs 1:51 says

“A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

When you feel yourself getting annoyed, you’re gonna need to take a breath, give it a minute, and think of a gentle response. You’re going to need a plan for that.

We need to have contingency plans for all those situations where things go wrong, people disappoint us, hurt us, betray us, confront us, and make us mad. It’s going to happen.

We need to learn some kung fu for protecting our relationships. Unless you just want everything to go to hell everytime things don’t go your way. Unless you want to be unlikable, unlovable, and a basic jerk of a human being. People aren’t going to tell you that’s what they think of you, at least not very often, they’ll just avoid you. So, if you don’t want to be avoided—here’s some ideas on how to be gentle instead of harsh.

When someone disappoints you, instead of shoveling piles of guilt and condemnation on their head, trying to punish them, just say “I understand.”

Like, if you get a text from me saying that I missed you in church, and you tell me you were really tired and just slept-in because it’s been a really long week. I’ll probably just text back “I understand.” Because I do. Because we’re all tired. We all had long weeks. The whole world, the flesh and the devil tried to keep every one of us from showing up. I get it. I understand. I’m still frustrated though.

I used to really struggle with what to say in situations like that. Like if I was looking forward to something, like going to lunch or a movie or something, and then someone cancels because something came up—I never knew what to say. I didn’t want to make them feel guilty by telling them how disappointed I am. I didn’t want to lie by saying “it’s okay, no big deal.” So I started saying “I understand.” It’s true without being a jerk.

Of course, now you know my secret. If I’ve ever said that to you, um, sorry. 

Rule #174 If someone apologizes, just accept their apology. Just believe them. Don’t get sucked into that vortex of “They said they were sorry but I don’t believe they meant it.” Just believe what they said. Even if they didn’t say it exactly the way you wanted them to say it. 

Luke 17:3-4 Jesus said if someone sins against you, does something to hurt you in any way, if they repent, if they admit they did it and they’re sorry,

“Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive.”

But what’s even worse, are people who refuse to apologize. As if the words “I’m sorry” are made of gold. Like to apologize is to let someone off the hook for whatever they did to you. Like telling someone you’re sorry that you hurt them or let them down or whatever makes you look weak. Listen, this is important, being strong enough to apologize is not a sign of weakness. It takes a lot of courage and strength to be humble enough, brave enough, to say you’re sorry in a way that isn’t just an accusation or defense.

If you say “I’m sorry but…” No one hears anything before the “but.” You didn’t apologize.

If you say “I’m sorry you’re upset” or “I’m sorry you feel that way.” What they probably hear is something like “I’m sorry you’re so weak and stupid that you get your feelings hurt so easily.”

Try this instead, “I can see why that upset you. I’m sorry.”

Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

“Confess your sins to one another.” James 5:16 

“Everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.” Luke 14:11

“Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18 In as much as it depends on you.

[Rule #404 Don’t leave people hanging] You know that awesome feeling when you send someone a text and they don’t text back? Or does that only happen to me? I hate when people leave me hanging. Sometimes I’m just waiting, staring at the three dancing dots on my phone until they disappear.

Then I’ll probably send them the little ghost icon. You ghost me, I’ll ghost you!

For a lot of people, the problem is they talk too much. Slow to speak is really good advice for most of us. But some people are too slow to speak. They’re too quiet. [Rule #516 Silence is Judgment.] Silence is judgment. Not responding to a text feels like judgment. Or if you cook a meal and no one says anything about it—judgment. It’s probably not because the deliciousness took their breath away. You get someone a gift and they don’t say anything when they open it—judgment. It’s probably not because they were so blown away they’re speechless.

If I write a new song and play it for you, and you don’t say anything—I will assume you hate it. You might not know what to say, so you just don’t say anything, but silence is judgment.

I know I tend to have a bit of a blank face, I don’t mean to, and I try pretty hard to have expressions and smile and respond appropriately in conversation—I know that if I don’t it tends to make people uncomfortable. But it doesn’t come naturally to me. And I know if you say something to me and I don’t say something back—I know it creates the most awkward of social situations—the lull.

It’s much more kind for me to say something in response to whatever you say. To not leave people hanging. And if you leave me hanging, I try not to torture you by making it worse. Even though that would usually be really funny to me.

I have a strange sense of humor. I like jokes. I like to laugh. It’s not easy to make me laugh, though. I don’t laugh when I get nervous, and I won’t fake it to make you feel better. I probably should sometimes, but I usually won’t.

Here’s the thing about jokes…

Rule #313 Don’t make jokes at other people’s expense. Just don’t do it. You might think it’s all in good fun but it usually just makes people not like you. It usually just reinforces something that they already don’t like about themselves. You’re probably not the first person to point out some physical trait of theirs, or something about their name, or the way they talk. Just don’t do it.

Proverbs 26:18-19 says

“like a maniac shooting flaming arrows of death is someone who says something hurtful to his friend and then says “I was only joking.”

Ephesians 5:4 says

“let there be no crude joking or foolish talk.”

There’s nothing wrong with making jokes. The Bible has a lot of humor, most of it is lost in translation, but God definitely has a sense of humor. Jesus made a lot of jokes. Proverbs 17:22 says

“laughter is good medicine”—just make sure your joke attempts are meant to be good medicine and not poison.

Rule #1 Words create reality. We’ve been talking about all these relationship rules. Today has been all about how we use words. How we speak to each other. Our relationships are all built on words. What we say. We create the reality of our relationships based on what we say to each other. 

Doesn’t it make sense to use words that create the reality we want? Why’s this so hard for us? It’s not hard to understand but it sure can be hard to do.

 Words are like money. You only get to spend them once. Once you make the transaction, you’re going to get something in return. Hope it’s what you wanted. 

Sometimes I feel like Arnold in the Terminator. Remember how he would see a digital display of his possible responses?

[A. I’ll be back. B. Hausta Lavista Baby. C. Get to the Chopper. D. Come with me if you want to live.] I usually think of a few potential responses before I speak.

Come with me if you want to live. That sounds more like Jesus.

I’ve tried to train myself to not say the first thing that pops into my head. To anticipate how the other person might respond to what I say. I play out the conversation a few lines in advance like I’m playing a game of chess. Sometimes that makes my responses a little slow—which can be a little awkward. Silence is judgment. But trust me—it’s better this way. I think it’s best if we at least put a little thought into how our words might affect the person we’re talking with.

What if we all used our words to help each other to be the best version of ourselves? I got a lot of verses to back me up on this one:

“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up... “ 1 Thessalonians 5:11

“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another..” Hebrews 10:24-25

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Ephesians 4:29

This is what coming together on Sunday is all about. This is what fellowship is all about. It’s what relationships are all about. There are so many more Bible verses about this…

“When you come together… (talking about church) Let all things be done for building up.” 1 Corinthians 14:26

“Let us pursue what makes for peace and mutual upbuilding.” Romans 14:19

And you should know this one:

“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs with thankfulness in your hearts to God.” Colossians 3:16

We create the reality we’re going to live in with our words. Whether that reality is going to be filled with tension and anger and bitterness. Whether it’s going to be filled with discouragement, nagging, putting each other down. Or whether our lives are going to be filled with love, joy, peace, goodness,

“gentleness, faithfulness and self-control.” (Galatians 5:23)

God created reality by speaking it into existence. “Let there be light.”

We do the same thing in our little corners of the world. We either speak light or darkness.

This is how the Gospel works, too.

“Faith comes by hearing the word of Christ.” Romans 10:17.

We receive faith and believe in the life-giving power of the Gospel by hearing the promises of Jesus. One minute you’re a poor miserable sinner bound for darkness and meaninglessness and hell—and the next, simply because you hear that God sent Jesus to love and save you, you believe it, and you’re on a completely different path. You live in a completely different reality. You become who Jesus says you are—not who you think you are. You look in the mirror of the Gospel and you see a beloved child of God. You see something lovely and lovable. Not because of anything you did, just because you heard the words that give life. 

And everything changed for you in that moment. Words created a new reality.

Rule #631, final one for today, Say to other people the things you want them to say to you.

“Do unto others as you would like them to do to you.” Luke 6:31

Relationships are the most important part of our life and faith. The words we use, the way we speak to each other is the most important aspect of those relationships. Use your words to bless people, not to curse them. Speak love and grace to the people in your life. Words are seeds, something is going to grow from the things you say. If you sow poison and anger, then toxic weeds are going to grow up all around you and choke the life out of your relationships. If you sow love with a little self-control, then you will see healthy fruit: joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and gentleness. May the Lord incline us to speak words of grace. AMEN