Love That Changes Things

I used to think dad jokes were harmless. Just groan-worthy puns with no victims. Like one day I had my kids in the backseat and I said, “Have you heard about that new restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.”

I got the usual, “Daaaad!” Like I was slowly killing them. Like I was going to make them do algebra homework on Saturday.

But then I looked in the rearview mirror—They were smiling. I had their full attention. This was going to be a good memory. Unlike all the times I told them to keep it down and stop being so annoying in the car.

My voice—even in the form of a bad joke—had power. It shaped the room. It carried weight. Maybe too much weight, too much power. And as all Spider-Man fans know: with great power comes great responsibility. We need to be deliberate to use that power with love.

It’s Father’s Day. Let’s talk about fatherly love today.

I want to talk about the kind of fatherly love that changes people.

Because here's the thing: whether we say a lot or say a little, we’re always saying something. 

Our presence speaks. Our face speaks. What we're annoyed by, what we're delighted by, how we interact (or refuse to interact) with our people says everything. And our love—or lack of it—is shaping the people around us whether we want it to or not. Dad has a lot of power.

Sometimes I’m afraid my default setting seems to be “Disappointed Dad.”

One time I was sitting on the couch. Angel walked into the room and after a minute said, “What’s wrong? Are you mad?” I mean, I was just sitting there drinking coffee but apparently my face was saying, “We need to talk about all the ways you’ve let me down.”

It's Father's Day and I'm talking about fatherly love but this isn’t just for dads, this applies to all of us. But dads, we’ve got to get this through our stubborn macho hearts. For better or for worse, one of the most powerful voices in a person’s life is usually their father’s. It's the voice that either calls out the best in us or leaves us wondering if we’ll ever be enough.

Again, this doesn't only apply to fathers but it certainly does apply to us.

We don’t have to be perfect. We don’t have to know everything. We didn’t need to have had a great dad ourselves.

We just have to learn how to love.

And love is a skill. It’s something we can get better at.

On Mother's Day I talked about a book by Dr. Caroline Fleck called "Validation," and even though I’m using the word “love” instead of "validation" today—it’s the same idea: learning to treat people in a way that makes them feel heard, seen, known, and respected. Loved.

Love is a skill.  

Because love is treating people right when we don't feel like it. Love is how we show up when someone is hard to be around. Love is a gentle and forgiving look in our eyes when someone messes up. Love is the tone of grace in our voice when our kid says something absolutely terrible in the worst possible way. Love is the discipline of listening to what they’re saying anyway, even when we don’t like how they’re saying it—and letting them know we understand what they're saying and why they’re saying it—before we respond. Before we correct them. Before we let our emotions take control. 

Pretty hard to do, isn’t it?

This isn’t the kind of love most of us grew up with.

This isn’t the kind of love most of us have ever experienced.

So, let’s be honest—most of us aren’t great at this. Instead of listening, we jump to conclusions. We fire back with the same negative emotions that were fired at us. We contradict and shut them down before letting them know we understand—we probably don’t understand because we’re blind with emotions. We get defensive. We go straight to giving advice. We try to fix them, correct them—or we just shut down like a big baby and withdraw. We show them how annoyed we are. We use sarcasm. We say things like, "What were you thinking?" or "You know better than that." We attack them with “You always…” or “You never…” Bring up other times when they frustrated us. Or even worse, we say nothing at all.

And we need to understand: silence is judgment. Silence is harsh. You know how it is—if you say something to someone and they don't respond, it feels like they hate you. Silence is judgment.

The idea that "if I don't have anything nice to say, I shouldn’t say anything at all" is really more like, "If I really want to punish them and send them into a downward spiral—make them doubt that I care about them at all—I'll just be quiet." 

I mean, we certainly shouldn’t say critical and hurtful things but if we give them the silent treatment, it's probably just as bad. It’s not loving. It’s more like hate.

The biblical understanding of the word hate means to push away—separate.

When someone comes at us with big emotions we are all tempted to push people away. Tempted to hate.

But when we force ourselves to love the way God tells us to love—people change.

And this is good news because a lot of us wonder what we’ve done wrong when our kids reject the things we desperately want them to embrace—like our Christian faith. We think, “If I’d just said or done the right thing…” “What did I do wrong?” And it’s hard to talk with them about it because we think they ought to know better, and we don’t want to fight about it and make it worse, and we love them but we can’t support the choices they’re making. This is where some of you are with your kids.

And your heart is broken. But hear this: God’s love doesn’t give up, and neither should yours.

You don’t have to approve of their choices. You don’t have to pretend it doesn’t matter. But the way forward is not trying to control them. It’s being present. It’s listening. It’s loving them with the kind of love that makes space for them to wrestle with faith and doubt, while keeping your heart wide open so they know they’re always welcome back. Love is an invitation for the prodigal to come back home.

Let's walk through some things I’ve learned from Scripture and from the painful trial-and-error of being a human being trying not to ruin everything.

1. Love Begins with Presence

One time my daughter, Von, said, “Dad, are you even listening to me?” And I thought, “That’s a strange way to start a conversation.”

I had obviously been logged out for a few minutes. We need to be present.

When your people are with you, put down the phone. Look them in the eye. Show up. Be there. Not just physically, but emotionally.

James 1:19 says,

"Be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger."

Love means giving someone your full attention. If someone you care about is trying to tell you something—especially something hard—especially if they are emotional and handling it all wrong—your complete presence is needed. It’s the first step of love. It’s the first sign that you care. 

Turn off the TV. Turn toward them and let them know they have your full attention. This is so rare these days. We stay in a perpetual state of distraction. 

Stop what you were doing, don’t react to their big emotions, fight your temptation to be annoyed, and just listen. Gently. Let your face know that you're listening—let them know they can't say anything that will offend you, or anger you, or disgust you. 

How's your RBF? You know what that is, right? Resting “B” Face? The “B” stands for “bitter” or maybe “bless your heart.” This is that default setting of Disappointed Dad I was talking about. Is your face inviting conversation? Or do you look like you're about to blow a gasket? Resting “blow a gasket” face?

Quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. 

Proverbs 18:13 says,

"If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame."

It doesn't matter what the situation is. Doesn’t matter what their attitude is. We have to start with trying to understand where they're coming from. Don't assume you already know. Maybe you do, maybe you don't—but if you want to love them, if you want to make things better instead of worse; you have to convince them that you're trying to understand why they’re upset. 

2. Love Tries to Understand

Doesn't mean you're going to agree with them. You don’t have to agree. You don’t have to approve. But try to understand from their perspective. Until we can explain what they're talking about as well or better than they can—until they would agree with our version of the explanation, we haven't gotten there.

Proverbs 20:5 says,

"The purposes of a person's heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out."

When it’s going down, you’ll probably be feeling some emotions, too. Ask yourself: What’s really going on here? What are they trying to say beneath the surface? Repeat it back to them: "Sounds like you're feeling frustrated because you want this, or you want that, or you feel stuck,” or whatever you think they're saying, whatever you think they’re going through. And then wait for them to respond. Did you get it right? Do they agree with your assessment? If they don’t, listen some more, and then try again. Be patient.

Love listens until the other person feels heard. And then love isn't silent, love reflects understanding. Again, it doesn't mean you agree—with what they’re saying or how they’re saying it. Just let them know you get it. If they go full Beastie Boys on you, “Parents just don’t understand!” Be gentle. Don’t escalate. Ask them to help you see it.

And when all their big emotions start to rub off on you—and they will—show some self-control. Don't let their emotions control you. Your heart will start racing, your face might start turning a little red, your lip might quiver—don’t give into it. Try to be cool.

When I was growing up, if I showed my mom any negative emotion, she would immediately attack and escalate it through the roof. I learned to be a Vulcan and show no emotion at all, as a matter of self preservation. 

So, when I became a husband and a father, I didn't want to attack the people I love with negative emotions just because they had some feelings. I didn’t want to respond with anger, pouting, or whatever. Which, that part was fairly easy for my well trained Vulcan Kung Fu— but what was much more difficult was responding with healthy emotions while letting them vent their negative ones. I was (and am) tempted to just go blank and get quiet. Which, as we already discussed is not good—silence is judgment. 

So, here’s the tension: We don't want to explode at the people we love with cruel words and anger, we also don't want to pout and hide, but we don't want to shut down and torture them with silence either.

But what should we do?

Let them have their emotions. Stay engaged. Keep listening to them—patiently. 

And then say something like, "Hey, it sounds like you're really frustrated. I get it. I'd be frustrated, too. It makes perfect sense that you feel this way." That’s some next level Kung Fu right there!

Have you ever been upset and someone said something like that to you? It’s not the way we were taught by soap operas to react to conflict. Ha. I’m pretty sure my mom learned all her people skills from Days of Our Lives. Have you ever stayed cool when someone was losing their mind at you? 

It’s not something most of us are good at. Someone gives us attitude and most of us immediately stop listening. We’re quick to let them know what we think—and if they get hot, we get hotter! We think it’s strength, “I don’t take no crap off no one!” But it’s not strength, it’s weakness. It’s the way a child reacts. All emotion. No self-control. 

It’s not the way of love, 1st Corinthians 13 says love is patient, kind, not arrogant or rude, not irritable or resentful. We need to let people have their emotions without attacking them or trying to shut them down. All of us, especially fathers.

Ephesians 6:4 says,

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

That word “provoke” means to stir them up—through harshness, through silence, through impatience. God tells us there’s a better way. The way of love. Love makes space for emotion.

3. Love Makes Space for Emotion

Don’t attack their emotions. Don’t tell them to stop crying, or “Calm down,” or, "You shouldn’t feel that way." Or, if they’re mad and you don’t like their attitude and you want to say, "You don't talk to me like that! Get that look off your face or I'm gonna knock it off!" I may have heard that a few times in my life—anyone else? It’s not helpful.

That’s not love. That’s just trying to control people with our emotions. It’s like a threat, “If you keep talking to me like that, I’m going to get so mad!” That’s immature. Don’t threaten people with your emotions. 

Even if they’re being disrespectful. 

A lot of parents are so worried about their kid showing them proper respect they forget to respect their kid. It goes both ways. If you want to teach them how to respect you, you need to show them how it’s done. And you’re going to show them “how you think it’s done” whether you want to or not. If you just rudely shut them down for having negative emotions—well, they’ll learn to do the same thing. Pass it on—sins of the father to the third generation and all that.

Break the cycle. Love is a skill. Learn how to love them instead. Even when they’re sinning against you. Love finds a way to sympathize, even with sinners.

Hebrews 4:15 says,

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.”

Jesus is our High Priest and He sympathizes with our weakness. He understands. He doesn't scold us. He doesn’t silence us when we come to Him with our frustrations and problems. There’s a bunch of Psalms that show us we can express our frustrations to God.

Psalm 6:6 –

"I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears."

Psalm 13:1 –

"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?"

Psalm 22:1 –

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

Psalm 10:1 –

"Why, O Lord, do you stand far away? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?"

Those sound so disrespectful! How dare anyone pray like that!

No, part of loving someone is letting them feel what they’re feeling—let them vent. Let them say what they have to say. And then let them know you understand how they're feeling.

Sympathize with their weakness, their pain, whatever they’re going through, whatever they’ve done. Let them know they’re not alone.

4. Love Shows Grace

Love says, "You're not the only one who struggles." We all need grace. We’re all messed up. How does God treat you when you blow it? When you sin? When you have a bad day? He shows you grace. He invites you back. Not because you're perfect and got it all together.

Romans 3:23:

"All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."

Sometimes we demand more perfection from our kids than we think God requires of us. Does God smite you every time you blow it? Of course not.

So, when someone you love messes up, keep it in perspective. Don't be so critical. Don't act like you've never done such a thing yourself.

Say something like, "I know what it feels like to mess up. I need grace too."

There’s a way to have difficult conversations with love, not just blunt-force brutal truth.

Colossians 4:6:

"Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt."

Listen, don’t lecture. Encourage them to come up with the right way to go, how to respond to whatever is going on. Love helps people see who they could become.

Love is action. Love is a skill that needs to be learned and practiced. For a lot of us, this is going to be different than how we were raised, how we have been treated. So, it's not going to be easy, it's not going to come naturally. We're going to get it wrong.

All the ways of loving our people that we’re talking about today? We’re not going to do it perfectly. We’re going to fail at this. A lot.

But it's okay. You know why? Because God the Father does all these things perfectly for you.

Psalm 103:13–14 says,

"As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust."

He sees you. He understands you. He draws near to you in your mistakes and your big ugly emotions. He doesn’t pour shame on you. He doesn’t push you away. He doesn’t abandon you.

He gives you Jesus.

Jesus is the perfect Son, the image of the Father, and the promise that God’s love isn’t based on your performance.

In Matthew 3:17 God the Father says,

"This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased."

That’s was at Jesus’ baptism—the day Jesus stepped into the water to be connected to you through your baptism. So now that’s what God the Father says about all of you who are in Christ now. This is your baptismal identity. This is who you are because you’re connected to Jesus. This is who you are as a child of God. You are a beloved child in whom He is well pleased!. Not because you get it all right. Not because you’re a perfect dad or husband or mom or wife or friend or child. It’s God’s love that makes you lovable—He doesn’t love you because you’re so good. That’s backwards.

God’s love, through Jesus, makes you good—makes you loveable. And now, because of Jesus, because of the Gospel, the Father calls you His beloved. Now He loves you with His perfect love. He is infinitely patient with you—kind, merciful, gentle. He keeps no record of your wrongs. He loves you with a perfect fatherly love.

And that kind of love? It changes people.

It changes you. It changes everything.

It gives you the power and freedom to love others the same way. You can love the people in your life, not because they’re so dang loveable, but because you know what it's like to be loved by God in spite of all your ugliness.

So this week, when someone you love does something stupid, is having a bad day, they’re coming at you with big emotions, causing you all the frustration in the world. Remember the power your voice has in their life. Stop what you're doing. Look at them with love. Ask what's going on and try to be interested in what they have to say. Listen patiently. Stay calm. Let them know you understand what they're feeling. Be present. Show them some of that Fatherly love we’ve been talking about.

That’s the kind of love that changes people.

Amen.