ACCEPTED
Motherhood. It’s beautiful, and sacred, and exhausting. But it’s also weird. Like, no one tells you that you’re going to spend the first few years of your kid’s life wiping things off their face that are supposed to be inside their body. Spit Up, milk—Gerber chicken paste.
They say motherhood is a gift—but so is a pressure cooker with a cracked lid. At least you can try to sell that at a garage sale.
Motherhood is the only job where your boss throws up on you, demands snacks every ten minutes, and then cries because you peeled the banana wrong.
There’s no training. No manual. You just get handed a little human and they’re like, “Good luck, teach it everything and don’t let it die.”
For the first several years your new love language is sleep.
Some moms are gentle and nurturing, with Pinterest lunches and bedtime stories. Some moms are more like drill sergeants who show their love through intense eye contact and sarcasm. Most moms land somewhere in the middle—just trying to raise decent humans without losing their minds.
I’ve seen good moms, I’ve seen bad moms, and I’ve seen good moms have bad days. But I’ve also seen people who were never moms by biology become some of the most mothering people I've ever met.
We all learn what “mothering” is from the people who mothered us—or didn’t. That’s where our expectations come from. How we think people should comfort us. How we expect people to take care of us, how we will take care of people. How we expect to be listened to—or dismissed. How we think conflict should be handled.
We learn early on what it means to be nurtured, understood, accepted and validated—or not. Then we carry all those lessons into adulthood and expect everyone else to either live up to it or pay for it.
But there’s something universal about what “mothering” should be. And I think we can all agree it involves care, comfort, patience, and a deep willingness to enter someone else's mess to support and help them—not necessarily to solve everything for them, or do everything for them.
How do we mother our kids? Our grandkids? What about all the other people in our life? We’re not their mother but the ideas of mothering, things we probably learned from our mom, go far beyond being the female parent of a child.
These ideas are the core of what we’re talking about today.
A bunch of us are reading through the Bible together this year—we’ve spent some time with the people of the Old Testament being told by God how to live and specifically to not hangout with or become like all the pagan nations. Amorites, Moabites, termites—all the ites.
So, imagine you’re in the promised land, just sitting in your house, minding your own business, and your kid walks in and says, “I’m in love.”
You’ve been waiting for this moment. Been praying for it all their life. You’re so ready to meet this magical person.
Then the girlfriend steps in the door, and let’s just say—it’s all your worst fears come to life. You don’t know how to react, all you can think is, “Lord, she’s a Canaanite.” She has a giant bull nose ring, serpent tattoo on her neck and Baal inked on her belly—she smells like incense, goat blood and weed. She introduces herself and her name sounds like she's clearing her throat while saying, “Gergamel.”
You try to stay calm. Be cool. But in your mind, you’re already imagining human sacrifices, pagan festivals, and NPR bumper stickers on a Prius. This girl’s a demon!
You’re so disappointed and angry. You thought you raised your kid better than this.
What do you do? What do you say? How do we navigate a situation where we strongly disagree with someone we love and care about? How do we say what needs to be said in such a way that we can keep the relationship—not push them away. How can we talk with them in a way that will influence their thinking and their behavior?
Today we’re going to walk through how we can follow the wisdom of God’s word to connect with people we don’t agree with—how to have meaningful conversations. Helpful conversations. These skills are great mothering tools, parenting tools, but that’s not all they are—they’re Gospel tools. Relationship skills. These are the practical embodiment of the care, comfort, patience, and deep willingness to enter someone else’s mess. And they matter in your marriage, your friendships, how you interact with your coworkers—even your enemies. It’s about how to have conversations that connect with people, make them feel heard and understood. How to enter someone else’s mess without making things messier.
Most of us don’t handle these situations well. We jump to judgment. We get emotional. Angry. We make it about ourselves. We try to control or fix. We’re quick to say what we think is right or wrong. We use guilt, sarcasm—avoid talking about it at all.
We’re like, “You know better than this! Dating a Caananite! You’re going against everything we believe! I can’t support this, I can’t support you—shame on you! Why can’t you fall in love with a nice Christian?”
And you’re not wrong about any of those things but you’re also not being helpful.
It’s not just true in parenting but in all our relationships. Especially when things get tense. When we disagree. We stop seeing the person in front of us as someone God loves. Someone Jesus died for.
We don’t try to connect with them or understand them.
We don’t listen. We lecture. Or we shut down.
And we end up shutting people out instead of inviting them in where they could actually listen to anything we have to say.
We think we have to reject them entirely just because we disagree with their choices.
That’s not the Jesus way. It’s not what He did.
Think of how He treated the woman at the well (John 4). She was an outsider, a Samaritan. She had been with a bunch of men and lived a rough life. She was quite the sinner. But He saw her. He knew her story. He asked questions anyway. He listened to her answers. He accepted her. And He also told her the truth—but He said it in a way that opened her heart instead of closing it.
That’s what true validation looks like. It doesn’t mean we condone or approve of the mistakes they’re making, or their bad behavior, or their inappropriate emotions. It means we try to connect with them by showing we understand something about their situation, their context—we accept them and validate what is valid about what they’re going through.
Validation, in this context, doesn’t mean what we usually think it means. It doesn’t mean praise, it doesn’t mean approval. It just means being strong enough to look beneath the surface and connect with someone who’s having a tough time—or someone you’re having a hard time with.
I’m going to walk through eight validation skills—all backed by Scripture. You should write these down—these are things worth remembering and thinking about later. Each skill starts with a letter that will spell the word “ACCEPTED” to help us remember them. If someone doesn’t feel accepted by you, they are not going to be interested in anything you have to say. So, here we go, eight skills to help us connect with people so we can influence their thinking and behavior—maybe even save their life:
1. A is for Attend
Good mothering, like good listening, starts with our full attention. When we’re with them we need to be fully present. Stop what we’re doing, look at them, and make sure they know we’re listening. Put our phone down, turn off the TV, look them in the eyes, and show them we care by giving our full attention. We might think we can listen to what they’re saying while we do something else—but we need to stop and show them that we’re listening.
This is what James, the brother of Jesus, was getting at when he said,“Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” [James 1:19 ] Your kid just showed up with a freaky Caananite girlfriend—they probably already know how you feel about this, it’s not the time to preach through Joshua and Judges. It’s time to slow down and listen to what the heck is going on in their heart. Really listen.
Proverbs 18:13 says, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” If they don’t think we understand where they’re coming from, anything we say is just going to push them away. Try to understand.
Philippians 2:4 – “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” This is true even when the interests of others are wrongheaded. You don’t have to agree with them, just listen to them. Let them know you’re trying to understand.
This first step is all about listening. There’s a little game you can play in your head that can help. Try to think of a way to say what they’re saying better than how they’re saying it. It’s called the “A-Game.” “A” for attend. You can ask questions but you can’t make comments yet, not until you think you have a better way to say what they’re trying to say than they do.
But don’t assume you have it all figured out without testing your understanding. Once you've truly listened and shown you're present, the next step is to see if you’re right.
2. C is for Copy
Reflect their words or emotions to show understanding. Repeat what you think they said back to them in your own words. That better way to say it. Like, if they say, “I’m so stressed about work or school,” you could say, “It sounds like work or school is really overwhelming right now.” Show them you’re not just hearing words—you get it. And if they’re like, “No, that’s not really it.” Then go back to attending until you actually do get it. If your husband or wife says, “I had a terrible day,” you can be like, “Sounds like today really wore you down.” You don’t have to solve anything. You don’t need to give any advice. Just let them know you’re tracking with them.
Proverbs 20:5 says, “The purpose in a man's heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” This is how you do that. You reflect back to them what you hear them saying until they feel heard.
Sometimes you just have to sit with people. In Job 2:13 it says, “[his friends] sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.” If you know the story of Job, you know they should have kept it at that but they had all kinds of bad advice for him instead.
Once you’ve repeated back to them what they’re saying and they know you understand them, it’s time to try and get to the 'why' behind it. What’s the context?
3. C is also for Contextualize
Try and figure out how their feelings or behavior make sense given their context. It doesn’t mean you agree with what they’re doing or what they believe—but can you find a context where it at least makes sense? What’s the story they’re believing that makes their thinking or behavior seem rational? What’s the context?
Jesus went to a lot of trouble to understand our situation. Hebrews 4:15 says, “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who was tempted in every way that we are, yet was without sin.”
Remember the story in 1 Samuel 1:10–16 where Hannah’s sad prayer about wanting to be a mother is misunderstood by Eli, he thinks she’s acting crazy, like a drunk person, until he learns her context.
We have to understand other people’s situations so we don’t just come at them with judgment. Understanding their context helps us see how their feelings make sense (at least to them) and that leads us to the next step, reminding them they aren't alone.
4. E is for Equalize
This step is about remembering we’re all in need of grace, just like a mother remembers her child’s struggles are part of being human. Is there something we can relate to about the situation? How can we normalize it a little so they don’t feel so isolated? Say something like, “I’ve felt the same way,” or at least, “I’d probably feel the same if I was in your shoes.” Only say it if you mean it but a little “I think it’s perfectly natural to feel the way you do about this” can go a long way.
Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Letting them know we can relate to their struggle goes a long way toward sharing their burden. Doesn’t mean we think they’re right. It’s not about being right.
Romans 3:23 says we’re all wrong, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” We’re all in the same boat, don’t act like we’re not. We might not sin exactly the same way they did but we can still admit it’s part of human experience. Certainly doesn’t mean we think it’s right.
1 Corinthians 10:13 says sure, we’ve all sinned, we’ve all been tempted but “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man…” This is the great equalizer. We’re all tempted to do bad things, think wrong thoughts—sometimes we even act on those temptations—none of this is about being holier than anyone else. We might not like what they’re saying or doing but we’ve done things that were just as egregious. Just admit it. Let them know they’re not alone. They’re not the only one who needs grace—you do too.
Okay, so now they feel a little less isolated. It’s time to gently explore what might be going on deeper. It’s time to read their mind. Like the great Kreskin! Not really but we do need to make an educated guess about what’s going on beneath the surface.
5. P is for Propose
Take a guess at what they might not be saying. Very gently and humbly offer insights or guess at unspoken thoughts. It should probably be stated as a question, like “Are you also kind of scared people won’t understand?” You’re really just trying to help them find words for stuff that might be hard for them to say. Don’t say it like an Old Testament prophet with a word from the Lord, “You’re just afraid people won’t understand!”
I think this is what Proverbs 25:11 means when it says, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.”
And in Colossians 4:6 where it says, “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt…”
This is like swinging for a home run. When it connects, it’s gold. When you miss, well, it’s time to go back to attending and listening so you can try again. Either way, it’s going to move the conversation forward.
Words are powerful, but sometimes we need to move to action—now might be the time to put your money where your mouth is. Get them a cup of coffee or tea, something to eat, maybe ask them to go for a walk. Words are good but sometimes we have to actually do something.
6. T is for Take Action
1 John 3:18 says, “Let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.” That seems clear enough—love requires taking action.
James 2:15–16 says, “If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food, and one of you says to them, “Depart in peace, be warmed and fed,” but you do not give them the things they need, what good is that?”
Remember the story of the Good Samaritan in Luke 10:34–35? He stopped and helped, bandaged his wounds, took him to an inn, and paid for his care out of his own pocket. This man was helping a sworn enemy!
Remember, this is all in the context of trying to connect with someone you’re having a hard time with. Your kid with the Caananite girlfriend you don’t approve of. Your grumpy husband. Your difficult coworker. What could you actually do for them that might soften the conversation? Or make it easier to have it? Take your kid to get ice cream so the conversation might be a little easier with a sweet distraction? Buy your coworker a chocolate muffin? Maybe do some Jager shots with Gergamel?
And as we engage and maybe take a little action, we also need to be honest about our own emotional response. We need to honestly let them know how this situation makes us feel. Our emotional response to the other person’s situation. Unless the only emotion we have is anger. We don’t need to show them any of that. Anger just breeds more anger. It’s contagious. Don’t escalate negative emotions. But if there are any other emotions being drummed up…
7. E is for Emote
Put words to the emotions you’re feeling. Label them. If you have tears, let them happen. This is a very Biblical response.
Romans 12:15 says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”
In the Gospel of John 11:33–35 – “Jesus wept” after seeing how sad Mary and everyone else was—He joined them in their grief. Even though He knew He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead. He could have just smiled and said, “Oh, don’t be sad, watch this!”
Healing happens when people feel seen and when their emotions are validated.
Finally, we can deepen the bond by sharing a piece of our own journey. This is the last step in the ladder of skills—notice it’s not the first step.
8. D is for Disclose
Share a personal experience that deepens the connection without making it all about you. It’s not the time for one-upping the person in a game of “That ain’t nothing!” Let me tell you about the way-more interesting time something like this happened to me. Try to not make it sound like, “Oh, that reminds me of something about me!”
You’re just trying to relate. Your kid can tell you’re not happy with Miss Caanan, so you say something like, “You know, one time I brought home a boy my mom didn’t like at all—I know how awkward this situation feels. I don’t want to ruin our relationship by overreacting.”
We have an entire Bible full of people trying to figure it out and failing in all kinds of ways. God never fails us but He made sure to give us plenty of examples of His people who did. King David wrote half the Psalms and his life is an open book. We not only know his struggles but we know how he felt about them.
Like in Psalm 51 he admits his failure and gives us a prayer we can relate to in our own sin. “Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin!”
We connect to other people in their times of trouble by sharing with them the way we have gone through the same things—and how God helped us through it.
So, there you have it: ACCEPTED. Attend, Copy, Conceptualize, Equalize, Propose, Take Action, Emote, and Disclose. They spell accepted because they help the other person feel accepted, which is key to open communication and potential influence.
I didn’t make any of these things up. I got most of this material from a book called “Validation by Dr Caroline Fleck.” I highly recommend you get this book and read it. The audio book is fantastic—she’s quite delightful, and very funny. It’s not written from a Christian perspective at all but I find all of her principles to be completely compatible with the Bible—plus, my personal experience from walking around in life bumping into people and trying to figure out how to not ruin everything has led me to many of the same conclusions.
These are the tools—skills—not just for dealing with your kid’s questionable dating choices, or political opinions, or struggles with the values and faith you tried to raise them to believe—but for every relationship in your life. These are the principles that will help all of us reach people with God’s truth and wisdom. To enter their mess in order to help them. Because it’s in conflict and disagreement that the Gospel has the best chance to be seen. That’s where grace shines brightest. That’s where love is most obvious.
This is at the heart of what mothering means—in the truest sense. To nurture, heal, take care, and basically love people. Most of us started learning how to do these things from the people who mothered us. But we need to turn to God’s word if we really want to understand how to do it well. Everyone needs grace. Everyone needs to know we are accepted, even if some things need to ultimately change for us to be whole.
So, whether you’re the mom, the kid, the coworker, or even the Canaanite girlfriend—we all need grace. Imagine what Gergamel’s parents are going to think when little Johnny picks her up carrying a Bible with a cross around his neck to take her to church. Or when they’re invited to her baptism.
The good news is this: Jesus validates you. He makes you valid! He not only understands you, He accepts you anyway. He sees the worst in you, and that's why He went to the cross for you.
Not because you’re right. Not because you did everything perfectly. But because He loves you.
And now He invites you to love others the same way.
So go. Start working on these skills. Validate someone today. Someone that’s hard for you to understand. Accept them anyway. That’s where the Gospel does its best work. AMEN