"It's Not Just For Fathers"

Since it’s Father’s Day, I thought we’d spend a little time looking at some of the famous fathers in the Bible for inspiration on what it looks like to be a good dad.

Like Adam, the first father. He wanted his kids to have a great education so went with his wife to the tree of the knowledge of good and evil—and watched her eat from it. He waited a few minutes, and when she didn’t die, he filled his belly, too. Turned out great, his first son murdered his second son—all of his descendants became slaves to the world, the flesh and the devil. The name Adam means “from dirt” and his name has been mud ever since. Thanks Father Adam.

Then there’s Noah, the guy who built the ark and survived the flood. After being cooped up in a floating zoo for over a year with only his immediate family—I don’t really blame him but one of the first things he does is get passed out naked on the floor drunk and his youngest son walks in and sees him lying there. Totally messed him up. Some things can’t be unseen, you know? 

Abraham sent his first son out into the desert to die, and took his second son, Isaac, on a hike with the intention of sacrificing him on an altar. When Isaac had kids of his own, he didn’t even try to hide how much he liked his first born son Essau more than Jacob. Turned Jacob into a scheming little jerk. When he had kids, you’d think he would have at least learned the lesson of not having an obvious favorite, but he turned around and did the exact same thing with his son Joseph—remember the fancy coat of many colors? The other brothers hated Joseph so much they beat him half to death and sold him into slavery.

Are you feeling inspired yet?

There’s King David. The guy who wrote most of the Psalms. He had a bunch of kids. If he would have written a book on parenting, what great lessons could he have taught us? Like the time when one of his sons raped his daughter and David refused to do anything about it. So, one of the other brothers defended her honor by killing their creepy rapey sibling—then he tried to make himself king. David didn’t do anything about that either.

I don’t know if this should make me feel better about how I’m doing as a dad by comparison, or like, if this is the best these Biblical fathers can do, what chance do I have? 

It’s actually pretty hard to find a good father in the Bible. 

It seems strange. Why wouldn’t God give us a bunch of shining examples of what it looks like to be a good dad? Men of virtue that we can look up to and try to be like? 

Especially when God wants us to think of Him as our Heavenly Father. God’s like, “I want you to call me Father. Also, here’s a book with over 400 fathers—most of them are real stinkers.”

This is one of the reasons I believe the Bible is actually true—because God didn’t sugar coat it. It gives us example after example of deeply flawed people who mess everything up. People like you and me. People who need grace and mercy because no matter how hard we try, we just keep blowing it. Those are people I can relate to.

The central theme of the Bible is the importance of grace. Not perfection. Not try harder. That’s why all the examples are so deeply flawed. All the fathers in the Bible, despite their failures, relied on God’s grace to move through the challenges they faced in their lives—and to fulfill their roles as fathers. It’s not about their successes, it’s about how God showed them grace in their failures.

Today’s Father’s Day so I’m speaking to fathers but all these things are just as true for mothers and grandmas and grandpas and aunts and uncles and friends. Grace is essential for us to overcome our shortcomings and live in any relationship with love and forgiveness. 

I had a friend named Brian when I was in the sixth grade, we were inseparable. Every day after school we’d either be at his house or my house—most of the time we went to his house though because he got in trouble if his stepdad looked for him and couldn’t find him. Dude was so harsh. So critical. He was always nice enough to me but he never had a kind word for Brian—everything he said to him was so filled with disgust. Nothing was ever good enough. Always talking to him like he was an idiot.

I’ve known a lot of stepdads like that. It’s hard to get the stepdad thing right. 

The key is grace.

You know, Jesus had a pretty rockin’ stepdad. Joseph is one of few good examples of a father in the Bible. Stuck around when he found out his fiance was pregnant—and it wasn’t his, took the family to Egypt to protect Jesus from Herod, led his family in worship, wasn’t harsh with Jesus when he stayed behind on a family trip to Jerusalem. It’s interesting that a stepdad is probably the best example of a father in the Bible. I had a great stepdad, I can relate.

The thing is, whether we’re a biological father or not, most of us are going to be tempted to be overly critical. Overly harsh. 

Ephesians 6:4 says,

"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." 

Why do you think God commands fathers to not provoke our children to anger? Probably not because most of us tend to be so naturally filled with grace and patience and sweetness when our kids mess up. When they neglect their chores. When they break the house rules. When they act disrespectful. When they roll their eyes or smart off. Basically when they frustrate us and disappoint us. When these things happen, most of us men overreact. And as the kids get older, we get more sensitive to it, and the slightest thing can set us off. 

God commands us to not provoke our children to anger because He knows that’s what we’re going to be tempted to do. He also knows it’s going to be very damaging to our kids. It’s going to scar them. It’s going to cause them all kinds of emotional problems. The anger of man (even fathers) does not produce the righteousness of God.

So instead of pushing them and yelling at them and being critical of them until they’re as mad as you are—think about where you want the conflict to go. What kind of relationship do you want with your kids? Treat them the way you want them to treat you. If you have to correct them, correct them with wisdom. You’re not going to help them be wise by acting like a fool yourself.

Bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Discipline isn’t punishment. Christians don’t punish their kids. Discipline is helping them get back on the right path. Discipline comes from love—out of concern for where they were heading. They need redirection. It might just be a conversation or they might need consequences but either way, it’s going to require grace and forgiveness. They need a right relationship with you so you can help lead them to a right relationship with God.

I had another friend named Mick. His dad was the opposite, he was too passive. Mick could get away with murder. The summer between our 7th and 8th grade, we were like wild monkeys. Walk around all night causing trouble. He’d steal his parents' booze—took his dad’s car a few times. We’d hangout behind the school and run from the cops when they showed up—a few times they caught us and escorted us home. Sneak into girl’s slumber parties and play spin the bottle or truth or dare. His dad knew what he was doing but he never said a word. He not only wasn’t harsh, he didn’t care what Mick did. There was no discipline because there was no right path to get back on. He didn’t believe in anything. No God, no standard, no absolute truth. No surprise but life didn’t turn out too great for Mick. Alcohol and drug abuse, kids with different mothers, in and out of jail, never had any real ambition. 

Proverbs 13:24 says,

“Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him."

What does that mean? Fathers who don’t discipline their kids have given up on them. Maybe they tried for a little while when they were little but either it didn’t work or it was too hard, or it caused problems in their marriage—so they gave up. Just let mom do all the heavy stuff. 

There’s a lot of these guys. ManBoys. Act more like a buddy than a dad. 

If we’re passive, then we leave our kids without direction and God says it’s like we hate them. To love our kids is to show them what God’s wisdom is supposed to look like. Which means we have to know it and believe it ourselves. You can’t point them to the wisdom of God if you don’t know the wisdom of God. That requires knowing the Bible, it requires showing up faithfully to church, it requires being part of a Christian community that grows in faith and faithfulness together—none of us can do this on our own. And it requires unlimited grace. Every time they mess up, we have to be willing to jump out of buddy mode, go straight to awkward and redirect them back to the right path. Patiently. With gentleness. With kindness. It will be exhausting. There’s nothing easy about disciplining our kids with grace.

Then there’s the Cat’s In The Cradle. You know, the song from the father’s perspective about how his child arrived just the other day but there were planes to catch and bills to pay. His son keeps trying to get his attention but dad’s too busy and then in the last verse it breaks our heart when the son grows up to be too busy for his dad. He grew up just like me, my boy was just like me. Some dads are absent. 

It’s a growing problem in our culture. Dad just isn’t around. Either because he hides in his work or he’s literally not there. Kids growing up without a dad. There’s a direct link to absent fathers and a life of crime, poverty, substance abuse. They’re 2 times more likely to drop out of school, 2 times more likely to end up in jail, 4 times more likely to have emotional or mental health issues. Over 70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes.

There’s a lot of confusion in our culture about masculinity and what it means to be a man. This is also a direct result of absent fathers. 

Dads, the most important thing you can do for your kids is to be there for them. Even if it’s hard. Even if they reject you for whatever reason. The most important thing you can do is to pursue your kids, show them grace, and gently lead them to the Lord. Patiently. Persistently. Never give up on them. Never stop inviting them into your life. 

Dad’s, our number one job is to raise our kids in the faith. To raise them as Christians. That’s not a popular idea these days. There’s going to come a day when our kids either embrace the faith we raised them in or reject it. But either way, we’re not going to reject our kids. We’re never going to give up on them coming to trust in Jesus and joining us following Him.

But we won’t get there by crushing them with rules.

Adam was put in the garden. It was a garden of “yes” with one tree of “no.” God the Father gave him one rule. 

I think that’s a good example of what we should do, too.

Dads tend to either have too many rules or no rules at all. They either set up an impossible standard and punish their kids for not keeping it. Or they have no standard and let their kids crash into the sharp edges of the world with no direction.

Our homes should be a garden of yes with a tree of no.

Very simple rules. Very few rules. All the grace in the world.

Have a standard based on God’s word, and teach your kids to love that standard as much as you do. Which means you have to love it. You have to love God’s wisdom. His commandments. His word. You have to love it. You have to show that you love it by living it. Including how God promises to treat you when you fail to keep it. When your kids mess up, treat them the same way God treats you. Show them grace. Don’t get mad. Don’t lose your mind. Be ready with mercy and forgiveness and whatever it takes to restore the relationship.

One of Jesus’ most famous stories is the Prodigal Son. It’s about a father who has two sons, the younger one asks his dad for his inheritance so he can enjoy it now. Nevermind that the father isn’t dead. You know the story—the father gives him the money, he runs away and spends it on loose women and reckless living. Then there’s a famine and he runs out of money. He comes back to his father expecting to be treated as a servant. But when he gets home a surprise is waiting for him. 

This imaginary father is probably the best dad in the Bible.

He certainly wasn’t overly critical or harsh. It had to be very disappointing when his son asked for the inheritance but he just gave it to him. He wasn’t passive, he knew his son needed to learn some life lessons before he could truly take his place in the family. The father was more patient than I can even imagine being.

He wasn’t absent either. He must have gone out every day to look for his son to return. I’m sure he prayed for his safety—for the consequences of his foolishness to not be too cruel. For him to remember how he was raised and come back home.

When his boy finally returns, he doesn't say, “I told you so.” He doesn’t have critical words at all. He sees his son, runs out to embrace him with open arms. He gives him a new robe, new shoes, a ring for his finger and throws a big party to celebrate. He shows unconditional love and forgiveness. 

The story ends on a cliff hanger though because the older brother isn’t having it. He’s resentful of his impetuous little brother and unhappy with the father’s mercy toward him. But the father shows that son patience and grace, too. He invites him to come in and join the party. We all want him to go inside and make up with his brother but we don’t know if he will. Is he going to be stubborn or will he show grace like his dad.

Most of us get a sense of what God is like through what our fathers are like.

One night there was a group of kids around a campfire. The camp leader starts a discussion, he asks them to describe what God is like.

The kids that had critical, harsh dads said God was mean. He’s got all these rules and if you mess up, He gets mad and smites you. To them God was scary. Impossible to please.

The kids that had permissive dads said God was very nice. He gives them ice cream whenever they want, lets them stay up late, doesn’t make them clean their room or brush their teeth. He lets them do whatever they want because He’s so loving.

And then there were the kids whose dads weren’t around. They didn’t know how to describe what God was like because they didn’t really believe in Him. If there is a God, He’s too busy to pay any attention to us.

Lots of people have ideas about God based on the failures and weaknesses of their dads. That’s why God sent His Son into the world. To set things straight.

What is God like? Jesus said if you’ve seen Him, then you’ve seen the Father.

Jesus is the Son of God. When He taught us to pray, He said, “Pray like this, ‘Our Father.” He shares His Father with us. He didn’t say “Pray to my Father,” He said, “Our Father.”

So, what’s God the Father like?

Well, after Adam and Eve literally messed up the entire world, Then God promised them that someday one of their offspring will fix everything they broke. He gave them hope. He gave them grace.

And He wasn’t angry with Noah—He gave the same promise to him that He made to Adam. The earth is yours, fill it up with good things! Fill the world with grace!

Abraham is the father of faith. He believed in God’s grace and it was counted to him as righteousness. 

Jacob’s name changed to Israel. He was reunited with Joseph in his old age and saw the reconciliation of all his sons—overseeing the blessing of them to be the twelve tribes bearing his name, Israel. Through his sons would come the Messiah, the Savior, the One who would offer grace and salvation to all mankind. 

Specifically through his son Judah, the great, great, great grandfather of King David. In spite of David’s many sins and shortcomings, God said he was “a man after my own heart.” He promised the Messiah, the Christ, would be one of David’s offspring and sit on his throne forever.

God the Father is not overly critical but He is just and holy. He leads His children back to the path of righteousness over and over and over—for their good. His mercy is everlasting. God the Father is not passive. He disciplines His children because He loves them and doesn’t give up on them.

“Do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves…” Hebrews 12:5

God is certainly not absent. He will never leave us or forsake us. At just the perfect moment, He jumped into His creation to rescue us. “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whoever believes in Him would not perish but would have everlasting life.” God the Son came to earth to dwell with us. He said, “If you’ve seen me You’ve seen the Father,” and “I and the Father are one.” John 1:14 "And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth." Grace always points to truth.

If you’re a dad, then like all the other dads in the Bible and in the world, you’ve blown it and messed things up more times than you can count. Know that God has grace for you. Don’t give up. Not on yourself and not on your kids. Walk in that grace. 

If you’re here today and you’re carrying hurt because your dad was overly critical or passive or absent—please know those things are not true of your heavenly Father. He has unlimited patience and grace and mercy for you. He gives it to you freely—He wants you to give it away to the people in your life. Maybe start with your dad.

We need to understand that perfection is not the goal. Our job is to embody the grace that God has shown us in Jesus.

Fatherhood is a high calling because God calls us to mirror the grace and truth of our heavenly Father in our families.

Most of us probably grew up thinking our dads were pretty great. We felt loved and protected—any shortcomings have been forgiven and we have nothing but love for them. If that’s you, then thanks be to God. 

If you’re a dad and you’re looking for some Biblical wisdom on this Father’s Day, then remember this:

Be present. Your presence is a gift that can’t be replaced by anything else.

Be patient. It’s the first description of what love is. God is infinitely patient with you. God loves you.

Be gracious. Show the same grace to your family that God has shown you. 

And when you know you’ve fallen short, don’t give up. God’s grace is new every morning. Your past is forgiven. Lean into that grace—allow it to transform you and flow through you to your family. AMEN